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First off may I say thank you to your husband, yourself and your children for the sacrifices you have made to ensure my freedoms and comfort. Truly.
I have also been a nightowl my whole life, and I do not believe it is a cop out that you need to unwind after work. You do not come home from a day shift job and jump right into bed. That being said there has to be some compromises made. Shift work is hard. It’s hard on the body and you do need more sleep. I am lucky, my husband and kids are also night owls. On summer vacations we are all up until 5 am and sleep until 2 pm.
That being said, many people do not realize that when you are raising children you need a break too. They think you can just plop the kid in front of the TV and you can take your bubble bath eating bon bons reading People Magazine. They do not realize the emotional toll it takes on you to be the sole care giver 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
It sounds very much like he’s avoiding you all. It also sounds like you need a few honest conversations. The next time he’s off have a friend look after the kids so you can sit down and talk. Not attack, but talk. I think you have to do some thinking first. What do you think would be fair and reasonable? Get to the core of the problem? It sounds like you are most concerned that your husband is not bonding with you or his children. Would you really care if he spent all night playing video games to wake up and take the kids to the park?
Ask him flat out if he realizes that he’s avoiding you. Ask him what HE thinks would be fair and reasonable regarding family time. He gets x amount of hours a week just him and his video games, you should get some down time too. It’s not tit for tat.
I admit that I hesitate to judge your husband too harshly. He’s seen things that no one should see. I have seen those scars in my own loved ones. In our case we just took the bits offered and were grateful for them. However I do know that I would not tolerate that in a husband. When I had children it was with the understanding that I had a parenting partner. Not to mention it is sad that he is missing this precious time he will never get back.
I do not know what part of WI you are in, but there should be some VA programs out there to help him deal with readjusting. It is a good idea for him to sign up now anyway, some parts of the state have huge waiting lists. I keep nagging my husband to do it now before he needs it, but I digress. I truly hope that you can come to a solution that will work for you all.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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