thanks, rainbow_rose, tree, and tigergirl.

My T does not want me to judge my feelings, just to accept them. But, tree, like you said before, these are BIG feelings. I am playing around with them, trying them out. I've told my T in different ways how I feel about her, but it's always been kind of veiled, and hesitant. I'm not a very assertive person.

But this child part has been VERY assertive in therapy, especially when she decided how much she liked to hold T's hand. Then she started tentatively talking about love. Actually, the first time, a year ago when we did EMDR, I came up with "I want Mommy!" I even told T back then that I wanted to be a kangeroo in her "pouch".

Now it's not veiled though. I wrote her that I want, or rather, that child, wants her to be Mommy. How could I write that I want to lie next to her and play with her hair and look into her eyes? Maybe that's better than thinking it's sexual, isn't it? It's a child who wants that.

I'll try to tell myself it's okay. I remember when I saw my former T stroke her grandson's hair. I froze up and couldn't function for the rest of the day. I wanted her to do that to ME! For someone with loving parents, I sure crave love a lot! I feel guilty to want my T to be my Mommy. But then you're both right. It is what it is. But how to you get through life wanting this so badly? I can't let those feelings take over. I feel like saying "I want.... I want...." over and over. Then I should add: "And it's okay". Right?

I'm obsessing too. I need to go or bed or read a book or something else but it's like my hands are stuck to the keyboard!!! Like in therapy when I can't leave!! It's SO hard for me to break a connection with people, even with people I can't see. I know you're out there!