We talked about this today. We sat close together in the little chairs.
He had asked me Monday if I was going to miss him, and I said I couldn't talk about it before now. But my first reaction was, I'm not allowed to miss anybody. He said, his first reaction to that was, you're not allowed to have feelings. Right.

I said I imagined telling him two things, and they both felt equally fake:
1. Why should I miss you?
2. Don't go, I want you to stay here with me.
But I did want him to acknowledge the 2nd statement.

Then somehow it morphed into my being hungry and being afraid to fall asleep and feeling like I waited forever for my mother to come back, and that while "whoever" is gone, I am "gone" too. That's why those statements above feel fake - I don't feel anything. Then I KINDA FELT something - it just looked really dark in my mind and I felt really really tiny and I cried a little little bit but then it/I was gone again. And the past month or so, I haven't been so scared, but which was notable only by its absence. I said I was glad he was my therapist. And we laughed again about my Soylent Green is people line (T is not people) - that now I am bringing in stuff from the outside world, whereas before it was just me and him and it was weird and hollow.

Then the usual weirdness - I asked if I could go with him, he said you'd be sleeping a lot, I said yes, curled up in the trunk (he's driving like 8 hrs one way), he told me when he was leaving and returning, I said so are stopping by my place on your way back? and he said well that depends.

(Is hell freezing over? Cuz I think that's when he'll be stopping...)

Anyway, a good session, overall. I feel like more pieces of the puzzle are starting to show themselves. Just acknowledging, I'm not allowed to miss you, is big for me.

This was the first time I think we used the little chairs since the June rupture. It was very comfortable, I was a little worried it was going to be awkward but it wasn't. It's like we know and trust each other now, it's pretty cool. I'm feeling better in my body, which was a goal.