as far back as 16 yrs old i could care less about what happens to me. I'm sure what i'm looking for is outside the scope of this forum but figured why not. post 18yrs old i became 'addicted' to failing, ie. driving w/o a license, contnued pot abuse, breaking up with girls whom gave all their heart to me for no reason even making some up to ease their pain. Ive always tried to help those around me to the point of bringing more failure my way, but not to the point of bettering my position in life. during the past year both my father and close uncle have died, sad thing is it really didn't/hasn't effected me in any way. received a substancial inheritance from my uncle, but instead of trying to do something i instead, split the money between siblings payed off a few bills and picked up a decent car. currently my situation at 28yrs old is: i'm residing in a house my sister bought with some of the $ i gave her on the premisis that i would repair it for her, i've barely done anything to speed this along. i quit smoking pot last year, due to moving to this house(i guess a choice but urges to find some are growing quickly :/ ) i'm keeping the power/water on and live off a fast-food meal a day. i find myself lying to family to keep up the scharade that i'm completing something here, tho always wanting to come clean. i basically sit here all day and thru most nights tryin to help people in chat rooms. anyway much more to say but don't want to load down your server with gibberish. i only have another month to complete this house then i told my aunt i would help her with her house :/ so i guess just don't know what to do. i really want to just disappear, i like living, wouldn't give it up for anything but feel as tho i care less if i do anything with life. don't really know what my problem is, thinkin i need some sort of psychological help or this lifeless life of mine will just continue into my older days. anyway i guess just hoping someone has some suggestions on a path i might take to repair my self-destructive behavior. i've looked thru several forums and literature and basically they all have the same to say, i need to motivate myself in order to fix this problem... needless to say it's more of a self inflicted downward spiral, i try, i fail, i feel a little more like failing is just how it works for me. and forsee failing again as more of a possability in the future. i consider myself rather intellegent tho my spelling might not show it so i know i have problems, yet i also find errors quickly in any solutions as plausable as they may be. was thinkin about anti-depressants or something to replace the pot i was used to for clouding my problems, but that i think would just mask the problem and not really fix it. this seems a bit long so i'll just stop here :/