Quote:
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
I've been divorced now for just about a year, and have lived in a rented room in a friend's basement for 11 months. I haven't ever lived by myself. My landlady is a great person, and I really love her. My child ego fragment wants her to adopt us (she is my parents' age). Living here, I felt safe and secure for the first time I can remember, up until this month. I felt safe because of the trust and respect I have for my landlady, and because of the positive atmosphere in her home.
Up until a month ago, I used to go upstairs and visit with her pretty much every evening - mostly just watching TV and working on our projects. We have the same hobbies, and I thought it was mutually accepted that it is more fun to share it with someone. I sure got a lot done, and looked forward to that time with her every day.
I have just found out that she wasn't comfortable with me going upstairs all the time, and that she wants me to leave her alone. She is used to being alone, and likes it that way. She has been a widow for several years, and although she usually rents the rooms in the basement, she is comfortable living alone.
I don't know how to be alone - what to do, how to live alone, etc. I don't even like myself and I'm afraid of what I want to do to myself when depression gets bad, and it was really bad last winter. It was pretty bad this month too. I wish I could have my cats and dogs, but my landlady has very bad allergies and asthma, and she really could not live with the animals in her house. This month she was so sick from asthma that she was having trouble breathing and talking. I felt like my toxic aura might have caused her to get sick, and even though she said it was stuff in the air outside, I still think that my negative energy contributed to it.
I have learned a lot from her, and there is a lot more I want to learn from her. She was fulfilling some of my unmet developmental needs, but she didn't know it, and said I was draining her energy, although we both know I didn't mean to. She also agrees that I still need to be here, but she will have better boundaries now.
I'm working again, and making enough money now that it would be possible for me to get my own apartment. I'm trying to figure out what I need more - being where I am and trying to learn the new boundaries and how not to steal someone else's energy, etc.; or finding a place where I would really be alone but maybe I could have my cats and more room for my children to visit. And if I stay, how do I manage this situation without being an "emotional vampire."
|
Just a thought here - you have other parts/insiders/alters right? guess what --LOL your not alone. you have everyone in side there who have for all your life been there helping you to survive. I know its not the same as having a relationship with an outsider but believe me when it comes to life and break up, relationships with those outside the insiders can be a great help. in fact thats why they were created right - so you could survive and go on living your life.
now for my suggestion... yes its not easy learning to live on your own (s) but you can do it. it just takes alot of listening inside and not depending on outsiders to to do things you can do your self if you take the time to listen to everyones needs and wants and each of you help the others get those needs met.
examples
the one that wants to be adopted by the landlord - find out why and what makes her so attracted to the land lord. once you know that I bet you can find ways that will take care of that little one and make that little one feel safe and warm.
buy some toys and stuffed animals, crayons and anything else your insiders need. and want that will help them feel loved and cared about.
then maybe making some sort of schedule so that you all are not stuck in the basement apartment for so long a time each day, go window shopping, visit malls, libraries, volunteer at the local schools for reading to the kids, or teaching them something that they dont know how to do, volunteer at libraries, maybe start a dog walking program for the neighbors.. if a lake or stream is in your area go visit those places. There are all kinds of things that doesnt take money to do.
when you are home schedule things like special movies everyone likes, bake cookies and other special food items everyone would like..
the key to surviving living on your own is in how creative you can be about scheduling your days and finding ways of showing those inside that live with you how much you care about them and how special they are and that the things they contribute to your life is also special.
above all dont forget to do something for you the aware self too. theres a saying... when moms (or insert the words I or a name) happy everyone is happy.
if you have been in therapy in the past pull out those journals and self nurturing tools that your therapists have taught you, they are always a plus to try again and again during the hard times.
thats how I made it through my last break up, it was quite a while ago but I still remember how it scared me learning to live on my own. now Im truly am on my own considering I have integrated and at first it was scary but filling my days with work, and anything else I could come up with helped to get me through.
