I've been divorced now for just about a year, and have lived in a rented room in a friend's basement for 11 months. I haven't ever lived by myself. My landlady is a great person, and I really love her. My child ego fragment wants her to adopt us (she is my parents' age). Living here, I felt safe and secure for the first time I can remember, up until this month. I felt safe because of the trust and respect I have for my landlady, and because of the positive atmosphere in her home.

Up until a month ago, I used to go upstairs and visit with her pretty much every evening - mostly just watching TV and working on our projects. We have the same hobbies, and I thought it was mutually accepted that it is more fun to share it with someone. I sure got a lot done, and looked forward to that time with her every day.

I have just found out that she wasn't comfortable with me going upstairs all the time, and that she wants me to leave her alone. She is used to being alone, and likes it that way. She has been a widow for several years, and although she usually rents the rooms in the basement, she is comfortable living alone.

I don't know how to be alone - what to do, how to live alone, etc. I don't even like myself and I'm afraid of what I want to do to myself when depression gets bad, and it was really bad last winter. It was pretty bad this month too. I wish I could have my cats and dogs, but my landlady has very bad allergies and asthma, and she really could not live with the animals in her house. This month she was so sick from asthma that she was having trouble breathing and talking. I felt like my toxic aura might have caused her to get sick, and even though she said it was stuff in the air outside, I still think that my negative energy contributed to it.

I have learned a lot from her, and there is a lot more I want to learn from her. She was fulfilling some of my unmet developmental needs, but she didn't know it, and said I was draining her energy, although we both know I didn't mean to. She also agrees that I still need to be here, but she will have better boundaries now.

I'm working again, and making enough money now that it would be possible for me to get my own apartment. I'm trying to figure out what I need more - being where I am and trying to learn the new boundaries and how not to steal someone else's energy, etc.; or finding a place where I would really be alone but maybe I could have my cats and more room for my children to visit. And if I stay, how do I manage this situation without being an "emotional vampire."