Hi SadNJNY,

The person who said you need to love yourself is right. And in saying that, I believe they did mean 'love yourself' and not 'love yourself so you can now get women'.

I know it is difficult, but you're going to have to detach from the idea of seeing women as offering something that will make you complete. Because if you don't detach from that idea, and you do in fact find someone, you're going to be in for a big letdown in the long run. I am 100% sure of it.

I was part of the infamous pickup artist community for 8 years and got really screwed up with the validation stuff. I mean, really screwed up. It took a lot of psychotherapy, among a ton of lifestyle changes (including being alone), in order for me to develop the one relationship that was the most important: the one with myself.

I'm willing to bet whatever negative beliefs you have about yourself that cause you to seek validation from women have been widely influenced by social constructions of what 'masculinity' is, and what it means to be a person of worth. You should really consider seeing a therapist (if you're not already), and preferably, a feminist therapist.

I am at a point now where I can honestly say I like myself, and I like being alone. In fact, I prefer being alone in comparison to what my dating life was like before. I'd rather be alone and celibate forever than engage in any other empty hookups or affairs ever again like everyone else in this 'raunch culture' does. Sure, I don't attract women like I used to (because I've chosen to no longer play the mainstream masculine/domination role which didn't fit me anyway, and I question if it really fits anybody...but that's a different story...).

Trust me, I can empathize with you, even if our situations have their differences, the emotions I felt sound extremely similar to what you feel now. And yes, it sucks...bad. But I promise there is a way out. Just be willing to find it, rather than looking for shortcuts that will only put you in a deeper hole in the long run.

Best wishes and my highest support to you, sir.