My husband of 2 years has told people behind my back that I am making up my bp to manipulate him or to make excuses. He's told me I'm a horrible mother who will just end up killing herself (I mean, I've tried before so I suppose there's some truth to it, but it was years ago) and that I'm crazy (I know I'm crazy) and need help (I'm getting help). He tells me these things over and over every time I have an episode and hurt myself or become depressed, but when I tell him its best for our family if we separate he says he's so sorry and he didn't mean any of it he only said it to hurt me. But I just feel like all the mean things he says to me when I'm down make everything so much worse. I feel like he doesn't try to protect me or help me when I need him. I just wish he could care enough about me to at least not say the things he says that seem to fuel the fire.

But then I think about trying to make it by myself and I worry if I have to do all the things I'll have to do to try to support myself it'll add to the stress and I'll end up really losing it. Then my mind starts thinking about my two year old son having only me to count on the way I am and I feel very sad thinking that someday he might look at me the way my husband does and just see me as a burden who isn't worth all the trouble. And I start thinking I cannot do this on my own so when my husband says he doesn't really want it to end, I come back. But the next time I have an episode I know it will happen all over again. I know I got myself into this mess but I just start feeling so hopeless. No matter what I do things will always be so hard.. I pick up the pieces and everything seems so wonderful but its like its all fake and it'll all come crashing down. And I know I can be so mean and crazy and do stupid things and I just want it to stop!!!!!!

I feel like I'm a yo yo and eventually my string will just break..