It kinda sounds like you might have a "I can't" thought track on automatic. I could be wrong, if I am I meant nothing insulting by it. I know in the begining for me I was so anxious, so fearful, that the idea of moving any direction even forward was so scary that I was tranfixed where I was, even though I was asking for help, well no, begging. But for every suggestion I recieved I had a reason why not, or a block why I could not do or use those suggestions. A really kind soul gave me my first mantra to help me with that, it was simply ; I can, I can, I can.

I had to wrestle in my mind with "I can" and the black automatic nonthought belief right there that said sure you can, in a scarcasic voice. I kept saying I can, I can and trying to focus on the breath, sometimes the fight & focus made me forget why I was anxious in the first place. After a while it did get easeier, it took a long time to really believe deep down I could, sometimes I have days where I let the old thought darken my mods. The manta helped long before I really believed in it. Working with T's I found I had a great many automatic thoughts, most of them courtesy of my childhood abuser who stole my innocence but I didn't have to let him have my self esteem too. I'm a perpetual work in progress but each day is better than the one before. So even if you feel that the electric current buzz is all consuming it will get better, the days do get bighter, and you will have friends and a support systom again, you are not alone.