welcome to the forums........i think you'll find folks who can relate to what you are going through......you sound very intelligent and insightful about your situation...the first step in helping yourself has just been taken by posting here.....i urge to you get some professional help and consider some medication.....i sense you are very depressed but i think it goes deeper than that and a therapist could help alot....sometimes these things are chemical imbalances and can only be helped by meds.....good luck and keep posting.i care....