Well, your advice does have food for thought. It is often hard to start a thread depending on what issue someone is dealing with. I have only started a couple and I was not expecting much of a response at the time. I was so dam busy fighting constant crippling anxiety that I didn't understand and I just came to PC and read and posted thoughts and replies.

So for me personally, trying to understand what I had and how to explain it not only to myself but others was my major goal. I really had a hard time understanding what I had and how I could not seem to control it. I still have the word frustrated under my name and I have to say, that is what it has been for me in every way. It is so amazing to me that a part of my brain was somehow containing so many emotions even though I had thought that I had coped and lived through so many things. And to have someone not recognize or understand it was so painful. I was attacking it with a vengence and it was so painful, and is still hard to understand. It is like being suddenly thrown into some twilight zone that is within yourself that is so incredibly
difficult to comprehend. And just to see the words that come from someone somewhere saying, me too, was so important.

I am grateful for those that put up the interesting topics for discussion in different threads. Because the one thing I felt helped was using my brain in response to those to slow down the overwhelming, crippling flow of emotions that were hidden within layers and layers of my life experiences that were traumatic to me. I had really thought I had coped through so much and seeing that it had caused so much injury to my brain was hard to face. I had slowly become aware of so many triggers that I never truely realized I had. And the need or extreme desire to hybernate during this process was overwhelming. It is scarey to not truely know how your own mind and body is going to react to some unknown trigger that may be set off by anyone or anything.

And to have someone at PC that is paying attention and can tell me that I am having a bad day or that I am doing better is amazing to me. And then after I had been working at it for so many days and weeks that turned into a few months that felt like an eternity, someone came to me and said, your doing better, at first your posts were difficult to read as they were like a locomotion of thoughts. And that evaluation was so dead on. It allowed me to recognize that I was making progress through a line of crippling emotions that were waiting to finally be addressed.

It was very sad to look at all those hidden layers. And I really feel sorry for that little girl that tried so very hard. I had developed so many rituals to self sooth that I had no idea it was more about surpression and a constant containment of fear. I still cannot find the accurate word to describe the sense of shame and insecurity that is presented in the process of truley unfolding the layers that were thought to be somehow already dealt with.

Open Eyes