I asked my T this in session yesterday. It wasn't a rhetorical question and it wasn't a question related to my history directly. Rather, I was describing how I see some of the ways that my son reacts to hurt and closes himself off from people that remind me of some of the direct effects from the abuse that was done to me as a child. I feel like the effects of my history hang like a polluted cloud over my child, poisoning him and changing him in the same ways I was changed. And that feels like I am . . . abusing him in some way. I might have suggested T pick up the phone and call child protective services.

But instead, he sat there in his typical calm and collected way, letting me know that he heard me.

"Why aren't you reacting to what I said?" I snarl at him.

"I am giving you a reaction, it's just not the one that you want."

I look around for objects sharp enough to plunge between his eyes. Smart guy, there's nothing.

"Why aren't you horrified, that I am doing this?"

Blah, blah, blah, insert a whole bunch of lame philosophic chatter about the importance of not being judgmental, probably the same speech he gives when clients tell him that they hoard cats, have affairs, or sniff other people's shoes at parties. He adds something that sounds like, the only way to change this is to decide to heal.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this post. Except for the usual-- I'm desperate for attention. I guess I'm looking for some kind of feedback. I actually left this session in a really good place with him, although I wouldn't mind if you wanted to vent with me about what a b@stard he was for refusing to give me the reaction that I wanted. I yammered on for bit after this about feeling frustrated that I had made very deliberate choices about doing things differently than my parents had, and of giving my child some of the things I never had as a child, and feeling pained that this "pollution" of mine is something that I can't control.

Anne