I am a psychiatric nurse and a former substance abuse counselor. I did not even need to read all your original post to see you have a problem with alcohol. I am a recovering alcoholic with 5 years sobriety. I am a member of AA and working the 12 step program got me sober and has kept me sober for 5 years. Only you can figure out that you sre a alcoholic. Try controlled drinking for 30 days and see what happens. In your case you will probably drink. Give AA a try and if you don't like it you can have all your misery back.