I'm not sure which forum to post this in. Maybe it should go in personality disorders, but I'm not sure.
I just want to hear others' thoughts on this, get some help understanding what happened. Get some help.

My depression and impulsiveness have worsened a lot over the past year.
I've always had problems with depression. Since I was about 10. I'm not sure how long I had a personality disorder for. I got diagnosed last year, but I've 'known' I had borderline personality disorder since I was 12 and watched Girl, Interrupted for the first time. Maybe I didn't really have the disorder at that time and it was just my imagination but I don't think there's any way of knowing.

I have had some symptoms since I was little: self-harm, feeling empty all the time, turbulent relationships, identity issues, but things were never as bad as they are now. I finished high school, got through college. Got good grades, not excellent but good. I wasn't happy, but I managed to get by.
It was after college ended that things started falling apart. I had symptoms before but they were never this severe. I was never this impulsive, or this manipulative, I was never this good at switching off my conscience and doing whatever the hell I felt like just because it felt good in the moment - including hurting the people around me. I was never this big of a *****. I never felt this empty. or this reckless. Doing and saying things that I knew full well would hurt me, self-sabotaging so much. I was never this big of a mess.

And the worst part is - I don't understand it. When I view myself from the outside (I usually try not to - hurts too much), I'm exactly like those people who my friends and I used to think were really weird - antisocial, strange habits, hurtful ways. Except that all those people had something that was majorly wrong in their lives - difficult childhoods, unsupportive parents, some major trauma ... something.

I don't. I didn't have a difficult childhood, my family was pretty normal, my parents are really really supportive, the worse I get the more supportive they become, everything was okay. It wasn't always sunshine and happiness, but things were fine. There was nothing wrong. I have no excuse for the way I've become. I don't know what happened. and its killing me. none of this was supposed to happen and things werent supposed to go this wrong. and since they did, i'd like to at least know what the hell happened. because right now I have no idea.

:-(