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objtrbit · Sep 04, 2011, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Feel stifled or maddened by themselves? By their inability to properly connect or invest emotional worth into certain things, like goals or interests... I've just been extremely angry recently, a lot of it for this reason.

Do you feel like any of these emotions had a trigger? Around when did you start feeling like you couldn't connect or invest into what you used to enjoy?

Music & literature, specifically poetry, are very important to me. I used to even be known for writing a lot up until the past year, when things have gone downhill within my mind due to being wholly self-realizing.

Anything in particular about self-realizing hit you pretty hard?

But I was never even able to connect to my writing. It was all a bunch of metaphors thrown onto a piece of paper in rapid succession to parade around as a piece of well thought out & meaningful writing. The same with my short stint in oil pastels & painting, along with the sparse drug-induced imagery.

I used to forget what I was going to say a lot, or write something and then delete or edit it; my mentor's response to me was: "wow, must have been good!"
The fact that you can't connect to writing makes me wonder if it is not written way too well-close to home. It happens to me once I finish a journal...for some reason I can never bring myself to read them again. This may not be what your case is, thought I'd throw that out there though.

And music does stir this strange euphoric feeling within me if it's something really well constructed, but I don't have any way of translating that energy to... Anything useful.

No way to express it outside of your mind?

It just pisses me the **** off. Not to sound like a narcissistic jackass (iiironnyyyyy), but I feel like there's this strange little ball of potential welled up inside of me that is completely inaccessible & only exists to make me infuriated.

Is this feeling familiar at all? Something existing just to infuriate you?
Either in past or your current life?

There's potential for something larger, but there's no way of getting to its core.

When you say you have potential, you feel like a narcissistic jackass?

The only reason I posted it here is I think it could be related somehow... That's just how it intuitively feels & it's the only thing that makes sense to me right now.

How do you feel it's related-what comes to mind first?

Other than the obvious possibility that perhaps I haven't found my calling yet, but even if I did, what would be the motivation if I couldn't truly enjoy in every essence what I was doing?

So at this point, even if you found your calling, you feel that you would be unable to enjoy it?

What would be the point of investing my energy into something when I was only getting a half-assed representation of what it is?

This statement reminds me of dissociation a little....sounds like your defense mechanisms may be up so high that while you're numb to things happening in your
life that could really be devastating if these were brought into total awareness-you are also in a "half here" mode maybe and therefore cannot fully feel connected.

One example of something like this would be procrastination-the mind is so angry and pressured on a more unconscious, pressing matter that it makes other things you would normally do much harder. I think that's my theory....you won't be able to find that in a book somewhere....but it makes sense to me with all the anger you feel.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry for the ranting. I'm just struggling to find coherence when it comes to expressing... Whatever this is.

Overall you seem to be going very hard on yourself-what happened in the past if you could not connect or express? Shot in the dark though and possible projection-but something to think about maybe.

Take care,
-obj