To be honest I don't even know where to begin...

I'm still in the military, so I'm scared as hell about posting this...

But the fact is I've been paying for my own treatment for a while so the military won't find out, but where do you go when there's no where else left? Talking about it helps... But it's not the same as talking to others that have been there and done that... No one I know actually know, can relate to what it's like...

I've killed more people than I actually know in real life, I doubt that I've actually shaken hands with as many people as I've killed.

I drink just to sleep, but then even sleeping isn't real, because tomorrow may bring just another day of doing more of the same thing...

Since 2006 I've spent most of my days hunting for people to kill, and now here I am, praying to not have to do it again, but hoping that I will be the eye in the sky making sure that those on the ground are safe for another night...

I'm a sensor operator on the Predator, overwatching my bothers on the ground, wishing I never would have volunteered for this, knowing that tomorrow I may have to kill again, and feeling guilty for even being this messed up, since I'm not really there...

Many of those I fly with have the same issues, most leave well before I have, three years is the norm. Everyone I've talked to in confidence have nightmares, but few seek help other than the bottle.

Guilty of not doing enough in the eyes of my bothers in arms, ashamed in front of my family for having done too much. Wishing to undo everything that has been done. Wanting to not remember, to not have seen, not to have done, to have done more, to do more...

I'm a mess to be honest, moving forward ten seconds at a time, hoping no one else will notice how ****ed up I am. But my wife sees it in my eyes... From the very moment I look at her, and I fell ashamed... For not being enough... Of a man, of a soldier, of a husband, of a father....

I'm a mess, I'm just hoping that some one else sees it and knows the answer...