It sounds to me like you are a young person who has issues that are taking time to sort out but who is searching for themselves and their place in the world. You have a lot of thoughts. It sounds like you need to do some exploring and to gain some experience to determine who you really are. Perhaps you could make acquaintences with some "toughass butches" and find out if some are really nice - nice enough to get to know better because they seem to turn you on. I used to have a friend who was a "feminine lesbian" and she was turned on by "butch lesbians." In NYC there was an organization called the "butch/femme society" where the opposites could socialize and meet each other, develop frienships and relationships. Is there a butch/femme society in your city or online that you could try out? I think that some experience in the world, rather than staying with the thoughts in your head, is the way to go to find yourself. I think there are a lot of other people who are very similar to you and that you need to meet them. Good luck!!