I just have to get all of this off my chest before I lose it. I am so absolutely depressed. There is so much stress in my life and I don't know how to handle all of it. The only two people I have in my life are my husband and my mom. I feel like I can't rely on them though.

My husband is very ignorant about depression. I think he thinks it's just something you "snap out of it." Out of ignorance, he has said things that make me feel worse, like, "I don't understand why you're overreacting." He doesn't understand that depression is a mental disorder, not a phase or something that disappears in 2 seconds. Lately, I feel like I can't come to him with my problems. Sometimes he's able to help me and comfort me, but it's really hit or miss with him. Sometimes he helps, sometimes he doesn't.

My mom is in the hospital right now and has been for almost a month. I don't want to talk to her about my depression because when she gets stressed out or worries, she gets very sick. I don't want to make her sick. She also tends to make things worse, even though she isn't ignorant at all about mental disorders. She just tends to say the wrong things. I don't blame her or anything. I just don't feel comfortable going to her when I need help.

I wish my dad was around, but unfortunately, he's in jail. He was arrested May 2010 on child molestation charges. He molested my childhood best friend for years and no one knew about it until he tried to reestablish contact with her last year and she called the police on him and finally fessed up. He's been sentenced to 50 years in prison; a life sentence for him since he's already in his mid-50's. I'm still struggling to come to terms with this.

I'm struggling to deal with my own issues with him. He was verbally abusive with me my whole life; I was never good enough in his eyes. He writes to me often and is under the assumption that I believe he's innocent, despite the fact that I testified against him at his trial. I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay. He won't admit to anything he has done and even tries to play the "poor me" card. My feelings for him fluctuate so much. One minute I hate him for what he has done to me, my family, and my friend. The next minute, I'm mad because I love him and just want him to be my dad; a normal dad. That's all I've wanted my whole life. To make matters worse, he just filed for a new trial and if he is given a new one, I have to testify all over again. I don't want to remember and tell a whole courtroom all the terrible things he has done, not again.

On top of all of this, I'm my mom's caregiver. It's hard enough to take care of myself, let alone her. She said the doctors might send her home soon with a nurse. She said to me, "I don't know why the nurse would stay the whole day. I don't need her to do this and that for me; I have you for that." I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to look after my mom. I'm only 22! Sometimes I want to just lie in bed all day, undisturbed, but instead, I have to fetch things, cook meals, etc. It's too much.

I also struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. I have obsessive and intrusive thoughts about death, mainly about my husband dying. It's hard for me to handle him leaving the house because I always imagine he'll get in a car wreck and die. Sometimes I even see this happening in my mind. Sometimes I get these feelings that if I do or think certain things, I will trigger bad events. This obsessive thoughts never stop and are really irrational sometimes; like I worry that he'll fall and die in the shower or choke on his food and die or have an allergic reaction and die. All of these thoughts about death are terrifying and they never stop.

I'm sorry to ramble on so much. I have no one to discuss this with. I've had two appointments set up to see a new therapist, but had to cancel twice because I couldn't get a ride, since my mom - who is normally my ride - is in the hospital and no one around here can take me. I'm on medication, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm just plagued with depression right now and can't stand one more second of it. I'm in so much pain. Every day is such a struggle. The weight of the depression, all my anxious, irrational thoughts, all of the obsessive, intrusive thoughts. Every.single.day. It never stops. My mind never stops. I just don't want to feel this anymore. I need help, any help, just something.