That's a pretty good question. I think a piece of it is what Perna said, which rings true, at least if I"m interpreting her correctly. Kind of a basic infantile response that you're not giving me what I want [insert foot stomping and purple face here], how dare you not. Adult says, isn't that what I pay you for? I can get what I don't want from anybody else in my life. And the tone my T was using in saying "I'm not giving you what you want" is pretty much how a firm parent would decline to give a child something that they shouldn't have. No matter how legitimate I can intellectually know that this was, I still feel anger creeping in even while I am typing this. I still want what I want.

Another piece of it is that I do like to beat myself up and he consistently refuses to join me in that process. Totally maddening-- the translation here of being "horrified" and what I was probably looking for is the equivalent of him confirming, "yes, you are very bad." And then I know for sure that there's a reason for all this shame that lives within me, like I'm not crazy, and I feel more confident in him because he finally realizes that. He's not as dumb as I think.

Anne