I'm not sure what's going on with me. My bf and I broke up about two weeks ago, but decided to get back together, so we basically had a week break, but spoke every day (minus one). The whole time it just felt so unreal? We fought on and off for months and it came to a head when he decided he wasn't sure whether he wanted to be with me and compromise on traveling, or just travel whenever he wanted without feeling guilty. I told him a fair compromise (that he agreed was fair) but wanted to think about it because he was conflicted so we were gonna take a week without talking to gain some clarity. After a day of not talking, but the second day I just got mad about the whole thing and decided I didn't deserve it. I'm a good person and a good/understanding gf and I don't want to be with someone that has to "think" about what they want after a year and a half... so I said screw it. It was so amazingly hard to do, but I ended it.

I felt such a weird sense of relief after I said it, and the whole week I felt ok and lighter. I was doing totally fine during the days, didn't cry... but when we would text at night, it seemed sad for both of us and we decided to try to make it work later that week. I felt just really cautious about it. I didn't feel like the break up would last, but after we got back together, I was concerned it wouldn't change so I was guarded. As soon as I started letting my guard down, I did something dumb, and here we are again.

We may break up today, we may not, but I almost feel like I just don't care (it is my fault though... I did something kinda/really childish in front of his families house). Like I wish it would work, but I'm tired of fighting and he just isn't in the same place as me. I almost feel like I have to try too hard sometimes and get his left overs.

After the break up last week... I just feel kinda like "eff it"... "eff everything". Someone gets mad at me... eff it. I got called into the office at work and was spoke to for an hour about something dumb... eff it. Mike is mad at me right now, I feel bad, I screwed up, we may break up... I kinda don't want that, but eff it. If he doesn't want to be with me then ok... I wasn't put on this Earth to please everyone cuz you just can't do that. I'M the only one that can make me happy... Eff It!