*Could be triggering*


These past couple of days have been really rough for me -- I (accidentally!) crashed my car, and I've been trying to deal with all the feelings that has brought up. Luckily, my friend took me out that night and I stayed over at hers - I think if she hadn't been there for me I would have done some real damage to myself.
When I got home and took another look at my car, I went right up to my room and shut myself away from everyone. That's when it really started hitting home (I guess I allowed it to, I'd tried to stay as together as I could in front of my friend.) I felt myself spiralling down, and had some real bad urges to cut, to really do harm to myself. I even considered OD-ing on my meds. I just wanted to make it all stop. 'My life is not worth living' I thought. I didn't want to face up to the reality of what happened. I felt like I was in crisis and no one cared. I wound up cutting my wrist - my actual wrist this time instead of further up my arms. I even cut the 'right' way. I just couldn't follow through with cutting hard enough or deep enough to do anything more than superficial damage. I'm not sure why... I guess even though I felt I really 'wanted to die', I didn't actually, really, want to die.
Cutting had the usual/desired effect on me - in that it calmed me down when I saw the blood, enough that I got a little clarity on the situation, enough that I attempted to reach out - so I posted on the forum (under psychotherapy, to ask peoples opinions on if I should email my therapist) and then I actually emailed my therapist (about the car, I couldn't bring myself to tell her this part...) The kind replies on the forum, and from my therapist, helped me ground myself a bit, and I think I'm now on my way back to thinking clearly again. I'm still dealing with troubling thoughts, but the urgency and urge has mostly gone... and I'm back to feeling ashamed - another scar to hide...
I just wish I could calm myself down without doing such drastic, potentially dangerous, things. I thought my SI was a thing of the past - I'd been doing okay since starting therapy - but I guess I haven't conquered it yet.