I base my self esteem on my looks, my ability to do things at work very well, my ability to be able to be really good at what I do. yet, I hate my job, I hate my looks, I can't stand games that women play when your trying to find a lover. I can't deal with people, yet I long for a companion. My Dog and i were sole mates, until he passed away last weekend, and now I am lost. I don't want another dog, I want a woman, yet I don't want a woman because I can't deal with people. I am a mess and I can't be involved with someone else until i get my self together which will never happen. I am now to old to have any hope. Everything I was raised to believe to be good is gone in this world. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to commit suicide because I was raised that it would be an automatic ticket to Hell. But I don't want to live here in this world the way it is. The way I am. I can't love unconditionally because my abusive mother did not love me that way. You know how bad it is need love, yet know that you can't give it, so you have to shy away from it.