Hi Roseleigh,

I've thought and thought about your post...
I've been told that we are all worthy and all deserve happiness.
I didn't actually believe that.
I think I do now.
I do believe that the hole and the darkness within me came about because of my lack of connection to myself, to others, and to spirituality.

I think that to fill the hole will take light and connection, for I do believe that we are all truly hard-wired for connections to others and that we cannot heal ourselves. I believe in pouring light in and try to search everyday for more answers and inspiration and lessons. I believe in airing out the bad stuff with my T and shining the light of exposure on it with someone that I can truly trust and respect and that I feel safe with. He has been very hard for me to find and to let close enough to help me.
I do believe that it will take all three kinds of connections to finally make true progress, and that takes a lot of time and work and patience on my part that I don't always have...and a lot of courage..which fails me sometimes.

But I still believe that I am worth the effort...and now I believe that I deserve some measure of happiness just like every one else. And no, I don't want to settle for half way or half-miserable any more.

Do I get discouraged..absolutely. Do I get so blue I just want to die...abso-f-ing-lutely.

But seemingly my T's faith in me sometimes is enough when mine isn't...and that's probably why I'm still alive, and why I get honest with him. I need his help and if you don't have a T that you feel can pull you when you can't push any more..then maybe they are right and you need to find one that you can make a connection with that is strong enough to hang on to when it gets this bad..

Maybe I'm not making any sense at all...but connections and the lights of exposure and wisdom can kill darkness and fill holes in my mind. At least tha't what I think in my simple ways.

I believe that everyone can be helped and you are not un-helpable or unloveable..you are special and unique and wise...and sensitive and hurting. Fight hard enough to find the right help for you and then open up and let the light in..even if it hurts. You are worth it.

Most Respectfully,

WB