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Sep 06, 2011, 03:45 AM
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I figure it's due time for a real post here because, over the last 4 or so months, my psychotic experiences have become increasingly worse. Please forgive me if I don't make much sense sometimes or if my train of thought is kind of jumpy... I haven't been doing well the past couple of days & I have been manic as hell.
From reflecting on the past, I've always experienced hallucinations/delusions to a degree. A common experience is when I would take a shower & I would hear my family fighting or being murdered, but when I would rush to get dressed & get out of the bathroom, they were just fine. Whenever this would happen, I would just convince myself they were lying because that really happened. I'd always brush it off, though. And when I was younger, I was deathly afraid & convinced that a plane was going to hit my house because there was one morning it sounded deafeningly loud. I had a panic attack & every time a plane would go by after that, I would get into the "duck & cover" position & start hyperventilating. It eased up & eventually wore off after a year or two, but it was a really big part of my life & took up a lot of energy/stress.
Also, I don't traditionally think this has anything to do with psychosis, but I've also always been heavily spiritual. A lot of the reason why I don't think it's related is because my belief has never taken over my logic & my most strange experiences have been substantiated by people around me. Granted, perhaps a couple of experiences could have been imagined, but for the most part... I don't think my spirituality has anything to do with my mental health. If anything, it has been positive for my mental health because regular meditation can usually avoid stress accumulating which will sometimes lead to being more prone to psychosis & the mood rollercoaster going off track. But I suppose that I should have included this factor because a lot of people who are "psychotic" also have what they deem "magickal beliefs". I just wish they could clear the line between normal spiritual/magickal beliefs & psychotic ones...
I've only been diagnosed as Bipolar since last fall, though I realized it enough to get examined by a local clinic since around last July/August. But I didn't ever think that I had psychotic symptoms until I moved in with my boyfriend in late May. I went from constantly full & noisy households with 50 different things going on to a quiet, calm apartment. I've been happier here than I've ever been, but at the same time, it's also given way to scarier experiences & more time to dwell on them.
The first phenomena were as follows: indiscriminate voices way way in the back of my head that I can barely hear or understand, foggy shadows of people along the walls, mechanical whirring/buzzing, the sound of gears turning, gigantic booms coming from out of nowhere, feeling like there are bugs crawling all over me or fingertips pressed against me, hearing fingers tapping on walls or doors, feeling watched.
They weren't all at once, but they kind of gradually started appearing one by one. They're relatively commonplace now, but they still manage to scare me because I've always dreaded the thought of losing grip with reality. I've always been really philosophical, so even before realizing I had a screw loose, I've always been fascinated with the idea of perception & whether or not our senses can truly grasp the world that is around us. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_perception ) So... My instability in reality as it is was rather thin at the time, but in recent times, it's been quite unbearable.
The past week has been incredibly hellish. Though I have had a lot of experiences with hallucinating, most of them seem to blur together for the most part. This week has been definitely note-worthy. It all started out with this experience, which was triggered by a pain medication that caused me to go manic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shayatanica
During the day, I felt the most normal I've been in months. Optimistic, but not overly so, & finally out of the depression I had suffered for 2 weeks now. Then, as soon as night fell & my boyfriend woke up (& I have NEVER had "hallucinations" in front of him before), it all started in.
Perceptory distortions as well as true hallucinations. The lightbulb's buzzing sounded like a bee was in the house & I spent 10 minutes looking for it & cowering. It sounded like there was a train speeding through my head & another time like there was a bull stomping & snorting behind me (the bull was actually the coffee pot). I layed down on the couch, but I saw shadows around me & felt like I was on an operating table...
It was also the first time I've ever had really paranoid delusions, as well. I'm up on the 17th floor of a building, but for some reason, I was convinced that people could see right through the windows at what I was doing & criticize me. I felt like I was in serious danger. And for some reason, I had this pervasive fear that I was going to choke on my tongue & die in my sleep.
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Since that day, August 29th, I haven't been feeling like myself. The 2 days after that, I really didn't feel real. I felt totally out of it. The first day, I thought it was just the Benadryl I used to knock me out, but after it persisted through coffee & through another day, it was obvious something was amiss. The days after that were incredibly happy, but that was due to a mix of the psychosis not being present & from getting to spend a lot of time distracted & doing things that made me happy. But all the while, I've still been kind of troubled.
The last two nights, it's been back in full force. I honestly forget what I was hallucinating the night before last, but all I know is that's when my mind started to get really bad. When things start to get bad, I feel this really weird pulsating in my head. My thoughts are less like coherent thoughts & more like this jumbled mess that can't be sorted through. My thoughts aren't words or pictures: They are just this noise that grows very hard to listen to. Even my coordination goes weird. That night, it may have been my paranoia, but I've been starting to worry that it's more than Bipolar Disorder.
I've always done weird things (usually while I'm alone) & I'm not sure if it's a symptom of something, or if I'm just weird. I tend to rock back & forth a lot. I also get weird things stuck in my head that I repeat over & over again & it gets really frustrating. Sometimes I feel the repetitive need to widen & clench my jaw, or to stomp my feet, all to the point of tiring myself out. A lot of these things even other people have noticed, to the point that my ex-roommate thought I had Tourette's Disorder... To further refute that belief, it didn't help that since I was sixteen I often went into bad twitching spells. They get worse when I am manic/psychotic. One even lasted unremitting for eleven straight hours. It's like there is this inner feeling of pressure & my head goes dizzy & then I twitch, so I'm not sure what that is about.
Yesterday was really out of character for me & probably the most out of character I've ever been. I was feeling just fine until it started to hit sunset. For some reason, it's always worse for me at night, but I digress. The lights started to flicker & I heard this wicked laughter right behind me, so I bolted off the computer towards my bedroom to wake my boyfriend up & hide until the lights came back on. I was relatively fine, except for the pulsating feeling in my head & the whirring noises, until later in the night. For some reason, I just felt unbearably scared & in danger. I started scratching uncontrollably on my shoulder & my arm to the point where I have deep nailmarks & bright red bruising. I just couldn't stop doing it & I was so scared I was going to somehow hurt myself very badly. My boyfriend put me to sleep before he went to work so I wouldn't hurt myself while he was gone, but I'm still so jarred by that experience because I have no idea what came over me.
So. I suppose that is my story up until this point. There are a lot of reasons why I decided to post it. One of them being that I realize that psychosis has become such a mainstay in my life at this point that I might as well. Another one being that perhaps someone can relate to some of my strange experiences & perhaps help me to feel less alone. In the BP forums I usually feel at home, but some of my symptoms don't feel so characteristic of BP & that's kind of scary...
And the last one is actually a question: Does anyone else have a hard time speaking or conveying thoughts when they are psychotic? I have a lot of weird things that go on when I try to express myself when I am off the deep end. Sometimes I mix up words, like yesterday (I think) I said "pheletone targer" instead of "telephone charger". And most times, I have a hard time speaking in general, & usually wind up not doing it at all. It's like I totally just freeze up. I stop moving, I just look around, & I don't say anything. Sometimes I manage to get out an "I don't feel right" if my boyfriend is speaking to me or asking me what's wrong, but beyond that, I just freeze up more.
Anyway, thank you all for paying attention to my ridiculously long post. I didn't intend for it to get this long, but I guess I had a lot to say. I apologize for taking up so much of your time. But if anyone has any interesting input, that would be greatly appreciated. I just really wish I could understand this more because perhaps it would stresss me out a little bit less...
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