*shrugs* Thought I'd post a thread. What the hey.

I finally saw a therapist, heh. I say "finally" because when I was in high school, I really thought I'd spend my whole adult life on a shrink's couch, the way things had been going, but it didn't work out that way. I've always been slow to get things done, so this followed suit.

I saw her for the first time this week. I think it went really well. I was worried I wouldn't be able to talk to her because I'm not usually good at talking to people I don't know, but I really kicked butt, I think. She said I seemed nervous and that if I weren't, that'd be abnormal. But she may find soon that I'm kind of always like that when talking to someone, especially seated across from them and being on the spot.

There was only one main aspect of myself I didn't address and don't plan to, and I'm not sure whether or not to feel guilty about that. To me, it's not really a problem exactly, but it's the sort of thing that would raise a red flag visible for miles, and I worry that she'd just run with that and forget everything else in her quest.

One of the most interesting aspects of it was that we were on exactly the same wavelength, diagnosis-wise--there's nothing glaringly wrong, and my life history isn't very revealing. I'm just kind of a muddle for no reason. That's what's always bothered me--why have I been a mess and why am I not kicking butt in life when I can't really point to anything obvious? Unlike some people, I'd almost prefer a label, or rather, an explanation. It would be nice if there were just a word for me that explained it all. But I guess it's just a mix of little things.

What's completely bizarre to me is that I've been doing better. The older I get, the more on the ball I am and the better I am at talking to people and the like. So now I go into therapy. Maybe I had to reach a point in my life where I was more mature, more sensible, etc., to make the decision, but most of the ugly stuff is behind me. On top of that, I've felt better in the past week or so than I had been. I wonder if it doesn't actually relate to finally going to therapy, actually, like just deciding to go and having one appointment is a treatment in itself. (Of course, she thinks it might be hormones and wants me to track my moods. Then there's my caffeine addiction. At this point, it's almost more of a doctor's appointment than a therapy session. )

I almost feel weirder about going a second time than going the first time. My whole life story has been scribbled down on a yellow pad--now what? Still, I like her. We even talked about American Idol for a bit. So it's not all serious and clinical. But without a glaring and serious issue, I'm not sure where to go. Of course, I don't know that everything was addressed fully, either.

So anyway, I joined here recently because I apparently have to join a message board for everything in my life.