I know that feeling... not being able to tell the truth about 'it' because of how it's making you feel anyway. It is a vicious cycle, having these thoughts that are huge and scary and like a 'monster', and you are meant to tell your nurse/therapist/counsellor but you feel so bad about having these thoughts and where they might lead if you say anything that you bottle them up and then feel worse... But at least you have been able to get a safety plan together, and even though they are all doable things, at the time it is hard to focus and change your thoughts. It is all about keeping safe, and sometimes I find that the smallest thought is the one that stops me doing something. This is something that i have just discovered I have been battling for about 23yrs, not the 10 or so I had believed. It all takes time, but i hope that this week, day by day, and every week after, gets easier for you.