"Everyday I change a little more, but with the past looming large behind me people dont see me, because I stand in the shadow of my past, and thats what people focus on, they forget I exist, they look at the shadow, the shell, but never at the man " ~quote from Richardrahl

I have experienced that behavior in others as well. It is very challenging and you and I are not the only ones to have that happen. And often, regretabily, we allow that to impede us from progressing.

You know? I dont have what you have, this BPD disorder, but I am very challenged by what I have. And to be honest, I have been like a fish in PC, out of water, flipping around, struggling for breath, and familiar waters to once again swim in. And I have been every bit the same outside PC. Ok, so at least I can come here to PC and notice that there is lot of flipping going on. And I suddenly realize that I am not alone in feeling like a fish out of water.

And in my teaching and even raising my child, and husband, and self, I have heard every kind of I can't that I somehow had to change into an I can. So, fair warning, you can " yes but" me til the cows come home and I will never run out of ways to say you can. Oh, and I am flapping around myself doing the same "I gotta keep trying every day". And I have over 1,200 posts and a Poohbah under my name to substantiate my long windedness in my efforts. LOL And unless someone else here has what I have, it is really hard to understand my struggle. And believe me, I have made several attempts to try to describe it both in PC and outside PC. And like you, I have been improving, but I am not really ready to compete again and swim freely "yet". But, I am working on it and through it and I have every intention of getting beyond it. And I have realized that I could not do it alone as I do have a therapist, but therapist is just a guide, I am really the one that has to keep trying and learning.

And I already know that I am going to make mistakes. It has been nice coming here and even in maybe some tit for tats here, I have had opportunities to really think about what each one of those tit for tats means. An opportunity for self evaluation and to really think about how things effect me in ways I may have not been aware of before. I do wish this had taken place when I was your age, because you are still young, even if you think you should be old enough to have mastered life relationships and yourself by now. And I can tell you again with a true certainty that it just doesn't happen over night, it takes time and it is like that for everyone, no matter what the issue is.

And there are always going to be other people who judge you and swim away. And no one goes through life without that occuring, no one. And the fact that you had that happen here and yet you came back to flip around and admit it, is a really important step in the right direction. But you do have to understand, other people here are flipping around too and if they do not move towards you, please don't blame them or take it out on yourself. You just have to keep trying and you still can reach out to others, only think carefully how you do that. And even then, your still going to slip and flip.

The one piece of advice I can give is that if you do slip and someone gets upset and you know what it is that you have done in error, at least state it to that other person. Just saying I am sorry is not enough, a validation of the slip is important, even if someone still swims away. If you validate your error, you have to understand that it does not mean you will gain trust. But it does help the other person and it does bring a certain amount of respect, even if it is not displayed openly. Unfortunately we are not always going to know when we slip, or exactly what we did to cause a slip, someone may just swim away. In that case both people lose. But at least try to ask and give another person the opportunity to express the slip so you can validate it and at least offer to make ammends.

Because of my personal experience of teaching different children, all their levels of "Yes buts" I have come to know that often there is a good part to focus on and build on. It is not always there in everyone, but often it is and you can get to the point where you will see it better in time.

All I know is that every single person is unique and will present a new challenge. And to be honest, in my years of training horses, I have found that the same is true with them as well. Every single horse has a hole, something is not perfect, something that requires the willingness to work around. And to combine what I have learned by dealing with both horses and people, the feeling of safety within the relationship is paramont. You cannot just jump on any horse and go and expect a satisfying relationship, you cannot do that with people either.

I know I have talked about horses a lot, but to be honest they have proven to be so theraputic in so many ways to humans.

Open Eyes