Richardrahl, as a teacher, you do know that one cannot master a new language over night. If one does not have a natural affinity for something or has learned bad habits it really takes time and dedication to succeed. And no one aquires perfection no matter how hard the journey there is always going to be a time for error and another opportunity to again press forward and learn. That is just life and the persuite of happiness.

In the example I gave you of my daughter, though she has gained so much knowledge in mastering all the workings of riding down to many fences and planning for the right take off, there is still unforseen errors that can be made. The horse can make the error even though she had prepared it for the right take off spot, it has and does happen. You simply have not been at it long enough, you must learn patience, and patience as we all know is a true virtue. Haste makes waste almost every single time.

You have put out some important efforts towards self improvement, you have jumped a few fences and found a good distance, but there are many more fences ahead and different distances to travel inbetween. I can tell you with the certainty of my own years, it is a life journey of continuous learning and you will be tested not only by others but by your own miscalculations. It is not in how we fall, but how well we are willing to get up and try again, even after many falls. It is entirely up to you, all I can do is tell you that it is possible, but it is up to you to do the work and stay the course.

Richardrahl, it is not an easy journey, it requires a personal vigilance and an open mind and there will be many moments where giving up will seem the only option.
Even if you find that significant other, it will still be a journey and constant challenge and it will take effort on both individuals to be willing to continue to make efforts in a journey as two together and yet the understanding of each other separately. You cannot even begin to have that until you learn more about yourself and learning how to control your own issues. Every single person has issues to work around.

My daughter spent years training a special horse in a partnership where both could ride a course and negotiate the distances for take off over several fences that were placed in different spots that changed with each competitive course. That horse was perminently injured by my neighbor's dog. My daughter was so upset, and even still is upset. She could not find a replacement and finally realized that horses are like people, all are unique, no two horses are the same. It made it very hard for her to accept the loss. She has a very young horse and he is tough and not as intelligent as the horse she spent so many years training. My daughter has had to learn that it will take time to be able to get back into any real kind of competition.
And she has already experienced some setbacks with the new young horse. It has been very challenging for her to not be able to compete where she had been competing and winning after so much work. This new horse is such a different ride and most people could not even stay on his back because he is so powerful over the fences that he can easily unseat any rider. She has been riding him bareback, I honestly don't know how she does it, neither does anyone else. This horse was almost put down because he was so challenging to train and the person who owned him was wealthy and impatient, and with a young warmblood horse, one can not be impatient, they take a long time to grow both physically and mentally. My daughter has decided that she will have no expectations for this young horse, she is only going to see what this horse can learn and do. I am very impressed with her ability to take that approach as I know she is so driven and competitive at heart. She trains him diligently and he is so hard to train because you cannot use force with spurs for forward motion or a crop, he does not respond, and she cannot even reward him with treats for good behavior, he doesn't get it. She is so challenged by this young horse, I can see it in her face. She is truely being tested, however, she has made progress.
This is a totally different kind of competition that she had never expected. My daughter is really getting tested on every level, especially in the patience department. And she cannot say with any certainty that this horse will progress to the level of being able to compete, but he does have the athletic ability to do so, it is that dam brain that is the challenge. And he is young and all baby and some days he gets it and then she takes him out and it is as if he never got it. It has been SUCH a CHALLENGE.

Now one of her trainers is trying to get her to start showing this horse. She will not rush it, she knows that he is not truely ready and she is controlling her strong desire to get into that show ring. And this is exactly what you are doing, you are trying to get into that show ring and you are just not ready yet.

Last year I was working with a dressage trainer on my Mustang. This trainer trains very slowly where others push horses along faster trying to get up to the higher levels. And some horses perform at those higher levels but do not truely last, they often break down or injure themselves because they were not brought along slowly enough. The one thing the trainer told me (she was a student of French Dressage)
is that if you miss the important first steps no matter how far you get you always have to end up going back to that missed step and start over to truely gain.

And you know what? She is so right because I have seen it time and again as trainers bring horses along too quickly and the horses break down, and then they have nothing, because they were too impatient.

The same is true for our brains and our personal progress. Haste makes Waste.

Open Eyes