(((((((Molly)))))))))

Molly, you don't know this yet but you just had the best thing in your life happen to you. You got free of an immature, cold-hearded, insensitive, manipulative dickhead. Count your blessings that you're free! Think of all the bad things you don't have to put up with now:

1)Paying for his sorry butt because he can't keep his hands out of the till. You know what? It's not your responsibilty that he stole. It wasn't and isn't your responsibility to support this thief. He made his bed, let him lay in it. Save your money and energy for yourself!

2)Getting rid of "friends" that are negative energy dumps and obviously can only be bothered to see you as an extension of your ex. These kind of people obviously aren't worth associating with either. If they can't recognize you as a separate person with your own life, THEY need their heads examined - not you!!!

3)Not being able to have your own friends because you have to work the night shift to support you two. This is nothing but manipulation - he can go party all the time while you work your *** off to support him, but God forbid you should want to have your own life. This was controlling emotional abuse, 100%.

4)Not having to put up with constant drinking, partying and pot smoking. If he had had any respect for you, Molly, he would have toned it down or stopped all together. My fiance is in college still (he's 21) and was one hell of a partier when I first met him (I'm 23). I asked him to cool it because we were getting too old for that HS/beginning of college partying crap - and you know what, he did! A good man who loves you will respect your opinion even if he may not agree - not flout your feelings in your face by going out and doing what you hate most all the time.

5)Supressing your feelings because he might break up with you for them. I am very sorry that you felt it got to the point where there was no way out for you but suicide - but to dump you for it? That tells me that your problems had nothing to do with his decision and he was more than likely getting tail on the side at that point. How else could he have done it, the weasel? Can you imagine how this would have sounded? Actually, do imagine it to put it in perspective and to remind yourself what a sleazeball he is:

"Molly, I know you've put up with my immature, incessant drinking and pot smoking for all these years. You've sacrificed everything you've known for me and I treat you like [censored]. You love me so much that you were willing to end your life because I was all you had and I made it that way. I have no personal courage to tell you that I'm seeing someone else who hasn't started to see through me yet - she's a great lay, but I'll take you on the side when I have a chance because you're willing. I'm saying that it's over because you tried to commit suicide. Actually it's over because I'm a total shithead that can't put up with any form of maturity or sense near me."

6)Being told your feelings are abnormal. Molly, dear, I'm going to be frank here. You were emotionally abused and taken for a fool. This is simply another method to bring your self-esteem lower so he has more control over you later - I will bet you that as soon as he's done with his current piece of ***, he'll come running back to you. And because he's made you feel like dirt, he thinks you'll take him back because he'll say things like "you don't understand" or "I'm so sorry" or any host of other things that will get you to sleep with him again. This isn't about love. It's about sex and control.

You don't mention how old you are, but in either case it's clear you are way too mature to be with a lout like this one. I think you know it, too and that is why you feel so bad - you can't figure out how you let this guy rip yourself to little shreds. You CAN get that strength back. Absolutely. I would suggest that you get to a therapist as quick as possible and start talking about how to rebuild your self worth. In the meantime, enjoy your time alone. Enjoy how good it feels to do something that ISN'T for somebody else for once. Enjoy not having the destructiveness of drinking and drugs in your home. Enjoy doing things on your own terms. Do volunteer work - I love Habitat for Humanity - where else can you take out aggression and help a deserving person at the same time? It's a great place to meet people of all ages, large and small. Enjoy making new friends without his spectre looming in the background. Enjoy working and getting to keep ALL of the paycheck. Go shopping!

But whatever you do, stay away from men at this point. There are good, kind, decent, wonderful men out there. I dated my share of jerks for awhile and it wasn't until I took a lot of time off from dating and learned more about myself and what I wanted that I met my fiance - we've been together nearly two years and he's my best friend and the love of my life. However, you need to get yourself fixed first. A relationship is not made up of two halves of people - it's made up of two WHOLE people. You don't want to make this mistake again. Think of this as a great big expensive wakeup call that serious change, but GOOD change must be made in your life - and then Joe Schmo's like your ex don't even stand a CHANCE with you. Kick them to the curb like the undeserving trash that they are.

Keep posting, Molly - I want to be your friend, even if it's not in person. I would love to talk to you more - it sounds very much like you have a good head on your shoulders, but that jerk has let you forget how to use it. I want to be friends with that person!! She's in there! I know it! LOL - PM me anytime, dear - I'd be glad to chat.

Anna

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett