Thanks for the responses. I do plan on telling my pdoc. dont have a T anymore. def thinking bout getting one again but that will have to wait until I get health insurance and figure out if it will cover therapy. otherwise it aint in the budget. I dont think I'm punishing myself, I just try to find ways to create a greater pain than the physical and mental ones I am feeling at that point in time. The new pain overriding the old constant ones gives me a healing feeling because those old pains are gone, even for just a moment.