I don't recognise a pattern with what's going on any more.
After 3 very strange weeks of sinking deeper and deeper and having all these flashbacks and nightmares, I got hypomanic, then I thought I'd go into rapid cycling but it just turned into this confused state and it's as if I get worse purely from the effort I put into handling the confusion if that makes sense...I feel very agitated and self-destructive in such ways that I don't even realise, like having this inexplicable urge to eat things I'm allergic or intolerant to or force myself out and then just walk on and on and at the same time it's like I try to stop myself from doing that by thinking that not even that is worth the effort. Basically, nothing is worth it - good or bad. So what now then?
And I also didn't get an appt with my pdoc because she's full until the end of the month but I'll move before then and I have no idea what's the situation going to be like once I move and how quickly I'll be able to see a new pdoc. All I can think of is 'just keep trudging'. For the next 10 days. Then I'll move and inevitably this will make a change, for better or worse...And then more trudging....And more self-hate because I know I just need to s*** up and do what I know is right - discipline, care, try to balance my energy. But I bring chaos and perhaps I'm a coward and refuse to accept that I must make things work and not just wait for a magical way out, if this is what I'm doing....I even find it harder to pray, like I'm pushing that help aside myself.

Thanks for reading my rant and sorry for such a rant...but I really needed to share exactly what goes on with someone...everything is on such an edge