Hi FW82 - I too set myself an ultimatum to end it all unless x,y,z happens - I swing between really being overwhelmed with those thoughts and feelings and feeling more robust.

I have done a lot of reading about suicide and there are a few things that I hold onto in the hope if I got near the edge these would help me to hang on for a little longer.

The reason I started seeing T was because of these thoughts - I wouldn't give a monkey's about how other people would feel if I wasn't here, but I had a strong visual image of my kids confused faces standing at a grave side and I couldn't do that to them.

When I am in the depths of it, it is really hard to be rational, but when I am clearer headed I recognise all those depressive symptoms of all or nothing - either I will be really happy or really sad, dead or alive and I am working hard to find a mid ground.

I have done a lot of reading around mindfulness and buddhism in general and I have also found some really insightful things in books by Pema Chodron, such as The Place That Scare You which I would recommed to anyone.

At night I also look out into space and see all the stars and planets - out of all the millions / billions of them, ours is the most special planet of them all - I also think about the history of this planet, of the millions of people who have experienced life and I can feel fortunate that I have been given this chance to experience life.

How wonderful if life were full of happiness, but I have also read that we learn most about ourselves in times of difficulties. So I have had a mental shift from thinking that my life is only worthwhile if I am happy and loved, for me now, life is about learning about myself, being interested in myself, trying not to judge, not to escape, but just being interested. Interested when I feel down, when I have those awful thoughts and images and when on occasions I find myself smiling.

This gives me a purpose, a focus. It is not easy, had a real wobble last week, but somehow I keep plodding and learning.

There is a saying I have heard alot about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I also hold onto that.

You have created a threat to carry around with you and that must be tough and I can see how that part of you could back you into a corner. I wonder if it is true that you only have 2 choices, I can see 3,
1) dying,
2) staying the same
or the missing one being
3) to not die, but to choose to live and learn to not stay the same.

I hope your T and group therapy are useful to you. I have just been contemplating discussing my stuff with T and I am also worried that it may disturb T and I want to protect him, it can feel very lonely.

I can't say I hate everyone, but I have major trust issues, I don't trust anyone - working to trust T, but that is very difficult at times, still haven't let T get anywhere near holding my hand in 18 months. I switch between feeling scared of this and of being interested in my reactions to others - I get in a better place when I can be interested.

I am sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I know what I want to say, but it doesn't always flow well.

Take care - Soup