Wow, I can see how frustrating your situation is, particularly since you've done so much to try to remedy it. I hope not to repeat advice you've already tried or been told about by your marriage counselor, so please excuse me if I do.

One thing that works with me and my boyfriend is each writing out a list of ten things that we'd like the other to change. We're both ADHD (me less so, I like to think ) and so having a concrete list of things seems to get through to us better. There were things on both of our lists that we'd previously asked each other for many times, but having it written out really helped it to stick.

Regardless of the cause or label for his disorganization, you're husband's behavior is plain irresponsible, selfish (inconsiderate) and unfair. If he can manage to show up for work on time (at least enough to not get fired) or to maintain friendships (by not flaking out of too many promised things) then he's probably giving these areas of his life more effort than your family life... which may be out of the belief that he can slack off and get away with it? I don't know what you've tried, but it may be that he needs a firm ultimatum to get the message across that you're not going to let him take advantage of you anymore.

Regardless of his ADHD, he should be making a concerted effort to keep his word and his end of your marriage. There are many techniques and meds out there that are crucial for living a successful life with ADHD. I know I'd never get anything done if I didn't keep a daily planner, set alarms for appointments, and put everything back in it's place, for example. I've really worked on being on time for things I've commited to with family or friends, since I really don't understand the concept of time, and I've learned how completely selfish it is of me to keep them waiting.

If he's at least willing to learn some helpful ADHD strategies, or pursue a medicinal regimen with a doctor, then I'd say it would be well worth it to keep fighting for your marriage. Otherwise your efforts may be lost on him.

I hope your marriage goes well, and that your husband can get the help he needs for ADHD. Sometimes guys (and women, too) are slow learners when it comes to their partner's needs, but eventually the appeals of their partner may penetrate the clutter in their minds.

Jessie