I've been feeling like a monster lately, a lot of guilt over who I am...If I tell people what I want, I'm too aggressive, too self-centered,etc. If I remain quiet, I'm too weak. I can't win with myself. When I feel sad and irritable, I can't stop focusing on my misery. If I find relief from the depressed mood, I feel guilty about it because I'm "supposed" to feel bad...My cycling tends to be very rapid, and sometimes because of that I don't feel like I'm bipolar. Of course, I'm not normal either. I'm a freak, separated from the rest of humanity. And when I feel like that, I get mad at myself for needing a label to support myself.

I'm doing well by most external measures. I'm enrolled in a decent university, taking advanced classes. I've never (*crosses fingers and knocks on wooden desk*) come anywhere near close to failing, though I do feel like a failure when I get less than an "A". I know what I want to do after college (med school).

But despite all of my academic achievements and lofty goals, I feel like I'm destined to live a miserable life because of my social problems. I used to be very outgoing and popular when I was young. Now, however, I have no one that I feel truly connected to. My family, and even some of my friends, care about me. But I feel uncomfortable with their concern; when they are worried about me, I feel like I am on a stage, naked, and they are staring at my vulnerability. I never felt understood, even by the therapist I saw last spring. I saw one pdoc this summer who seemed to really get me at the first interview, but when I came back to see him we were again on different wavelengths.

It's very difficult for me to make new friends. If I sit next to someone new in class, I'll be friendly. I'll introduce myself, and ask him/her a few questions, trying to make small talk. Then, I'll realize that I'm asking all the questions and doing most of the talking. When I fall silent, the other person doesn't ask me anything. S/he usually makes no effort to keep the conversation going. And it kills me. Am I really so messed up that people can tell within 15 seconds of meeting me? How am I ever going to feel connected to the rest of humanity if that is the result every time I try?! And how is my life ever going to be worth living if I am not connected to other people?!?

I just feel so confined by all of this. Thanks for listening.