Hi all -

First, I know this is a great place to be when you need someone the most. I normally am in the anxiety and/or BP forums. HOwever, I just had some sort of 'bell' go off in my head that I might still be having PTSD issues...

I recently moved back to Indiana, due to my house being foreclosed on since I couldn't work and obviously couldn't pay the bills. My first home, back in 1999, caught fire and destroyed virtually everything. What WAS salvagable is - well was (now in Aunt's garage) in use as I wanted to keep what little I could. I had a great job, just re-did the entire place, and then my sister started the fire in the dryer. Months later, she admitted to doing it bcuz my mother wanted to collect on my life ins. SHe has a mental defect to where she is VERY easily manipulated into doing just about anything. My mother has ALWAYS been greedy, will do ANYTHING to get a dollar, and enjoys her 'downers', i.e. xanax, valium - anything to get her fix - including depleting the trust account my grandfather left me from 1994-1997. I know, lots of info about the fire incident - and ther's more....

WIth the second house, I sank about $70K in improvements from 2003-Nov 05, had BP & AG relapses, and was unable to run my company. SO I fled to my brother's house, where I am now stuck, and this is the worst situation ever. The house was officially auctioned on 22 Mar 06. Seems that I can only 'hang on' to my houses for 3 years tops; then everything goes bakc downhill...

Why I am posting in here is bcuz of the nightmares and subsequent continuous thoughts racing through my mind. Those who know about BP know that we have manic episodes and depressive episodes. Add major panic attacks into the equation, and some Agoraphobia, and you've got yourself one heck of a life!!! One that I've NEVER recoverd from to date...

I thought I handled the whole foreclosure thing well - i knew it was coming since I had the house up for sale since April 05, no buyers bcuz they over-appraised my home to obtain the loan to do the improvements. I was a victim of predatory lending- and at age 28, I thought I was smart enough. HOwever, despite being a mechanical engineer, i have no knowledge of the mortgage industry, so i obviously took the appraisal at face-value. This caused me to borrow MORE than the house was worth, which is why I couldn't sell it to just 'break even'. They valued it at $240K, found out it was only 'worth' $155K TOPS (at least a $100K difference), and the bid opened at $125. It went for $129,900..... I owed $190K...

SOme other factors - I left Indiana to go live in MI due to my grandmother's failing health in Feb 03. I took care of her 24/7, along with my partner's help and support, until 23 June 2004 when she passed away in my living room. I kept borrwoing against my company, JUST to pay for her medical (Medicare only covers so much - and NOT RX's back then!!), which ran about $2-3K month. I'd still do it all over again if I had to - especially for the one who did the most for me and showed she truly loved/cared for me. She was my rock - and my rock was pushed over the hill when she passed away... My company started failing bcuz of the economy, on top of me not being able to physically do the functions it required (it was a property maintenance company and due to a back injury, i'm in constant pain and have limited mobility). My panic attcks have been skyrocketing over the last few months to the point I won't leave this house, my borther's, bcuz I fear I won't ever get bakc in. I flip out at a store - usually abandonig the cart whenver I start hearing things 'get loud' and so forth. Driving is a chore all by itself - and due to these attacks, I've pulled off the road and/or drove bakc home, called off work, and then lose the job bcuz of attendance. I'm currently on Short-Term DB bcuz of ALL these issues... The $150/week I get is FAR from sufficient... Brother is ready to kick me out bcuz i'm not 'pulling my weight'... Actions speak louder than words - he doesn't have to say I'm unwanted when the actions are there; or lack thereof...

Between the two houses, my grandmother's passing, and what has been going on lately, I am SO SO SO ready to say "BYE BYE"... I do not intend to do anything to myself to make that happen, since I'm too chicken to do it, but if I were to get hit by a car today, tmw, or the next day, I sure hope it is a fatl one. For so long, I try my hardest to succeed, do such, but then take 1,000 steps back.

Now that I've gone into a novel, I guess I should get to the point. Each nite i have been 're-living' quite a bit of these events from my past; some even throughout the day. I woke up in a HUGE P.A. this AM as I was conviced the house was on fire, checked eveyrthing/anything, and when I found nothing, I still was unable to calm down. I took a Xanax immediately when I woke up - the nightmare was just SO real that I STILL think all this is happening. I know it isn't - but it just won't go away.. THere's alot more to these nightmares/dreams, but I'll spare ya all and I apologize.

My question is - does anyone believe that I could also be having PTSD issues? Why, after 7 years, would I still have issues with that fire? Why am I still stuck on losing my grandmother going on 2 years ago? SHouldn't I be 'over it' by now? I speculate that my PA's are always going to be there - that's been an issue most of my life bcuz of my dad's physical abuse and mother's wonderful treatments, but to still have all these unfounded fears are ridiculous... My BP disorder, recently, has 're-manifested'. I had a manic episode for almost 5 days - i felt i could do it all, couldn't concentrate on one thing, was VERY irate at all times, was screaming, etc. etc... NOTHIGN stopped it; I was finally able to find a Behavioual service center, which I went to the intake last week. What was supposed to be a half-hour thing turned into an hour and a half bcuz i wouldn't shut up.. I meet w/the therapist on Tuesday; but I informed them that this is far more than just talking it out. I went through the med cocktails over the years - and would rather be 'zombied out' than live like this constantly.

I know this got quite long and quite detailed. However, if something else is requested, you'll get it, i.e. more detail on a specific event. I just hope someone willtake the time to hear me out, give me their opinion(s) on this, and hopefully I can bring this to the table on Tuesday. I thank EVERYONE in advance, as I know we all share quite a bit of similarities, and I also want you to know you are all in my thoughts/prayers. Take care and again, thank you so much in advance.... Niko