Sometimes you just can't do it by yourself, and I am finding myself in one of those times. After several weeks of fighting against it, I called my psychiatrist today, and got a referral to a partial hospital program. I'll be starting that next week. Mostly, I feel a sense of relief that I'll be getting some help. I also feel some embarrassment, as I've done this program before, and I'm fearing that they will be thinking "YOU again???"

I also called my pastor today and let her know what was going on. We got together and had a very good conversation. Again, I had to swallow some pride and embarrassment and ask for help.

I called this post the "paradox of surrender" because of my experience that sometimes, when I stop fighting and release my tightly clenched grip on the notion that "I'm FINE and I can pull myself out of my depression by myself," I can let others help me, and things get a little better.

I've been sliding downhill the past several weeks.... struggling with energy/motivation, feeling like my thoughts are slowed way down, like I am moving slowly, having trouble caring about things, really low mood, trouble sleeping, crying a lot, etc, etc, ... The past few days, it has taken me a huge amount of time and energy to do simple things like take a shower and get dressed. It just started to become clear that my meds aren't working, and weekly therapy isn't enough right now.

Thanks for reading this long post! I wonder if others of you have thoughts/experiences related to surrender (in the positive sense of the word) or about coping with the embarrassment and wounded pride that can come with asking for help...

peace,
garden gal