just something I wrote some time ago, to get some things out. Some of it is serious, some not that much...



Things I am afraid of:

That I will say something stupid in front of one of our young and hot professors whom I am trying to impress and they will remember it and when I am some public figure and I am on some talk show they will appear there to remind the nation that when I was in Uni, I did not know what Baruch Plan was and the nation will think I am dumb (and that I look terrible in pink, look washed out, old and fat. Of course nation will more care for my wrinkles and BMI than my knowledge, as they always do in female politicians and human rights activists).

That all my friends hang out with me only because I am so weird and off that it is entertaiming and that they laugh at me behind my back and plan to write a novel or an absurd drama about me. Or worse, they pick my hair and make voodoo dolls with it.

That one day when I travel something terrible will happen (like that I get kidnapped by the Kosova Liberation Army or be imprisoned when taking pictures in Cuban ghettos...), I will disappear and nobody will care, because they will think I am just too busy having fun to send a text message or that I am simply did not charge my battery or credit for my cell. And that my government will be too happy to get rid of me (one less to protest against everything, they will say) to consider pay the kidnappers or swap me for imprisoned terrorists or to pull strings otherwise. Because after all I am not a politico, or a supermodel, so nobody would really care.

That I will become so scared of being kidnapped by bad guys or imprisoned for taking pictures that I will start vacationing only in the proper parts of world, like Switzerland and will miss a lots of wild beauty and interesting people I would otherwise see and meet.

That I will fall in love in guy who is a terrorist, as one fortune teller predicted me. And that part of me will enjoy it, while other part of me will be all "I will change him, mama!"

That I will break the world while trying to fix it... and that nobody will see that my intentions were pure and that there is a special place for idealists that break the world while trying to fix it and that I will spend eternity with the guys with ran League of Nations and came up with Briand-Kellog pact and other "but we meant it well" disasters.

That I will never amount for anything, will never mean anything and will not matter. That all I will leave behind will be souvenirs from pretty places, material things I thought that mattered, and a harddisk full of downloaded music, photos of things and people that don't matter and writtings that I considered intelligent and artsy (but nobody will bother to get these published, because Franz Kafka I am not...).

That I will die too young, before I saved somebody's soul, helped to rebuild a war torn nation, tasted fubu fish and seen Tel Aviv and India... and many other things.

That I will live too long, outlive myself and end up as shell of myself, without enough strenght to bail out gracefully and will be that annoying neighbor and relative that complains about everything and starts every statement with "when I was your age...".

That Egyptian gods will get mad at me for not worshipping them enough when playing Pharaoh and the next time I henna my hair it will turn green.

That somebody will pull out some of my silly photos or rants I placed on the internets when drunk, mad, sad... or all all three above to destroy my potential career or love affair.

That the next time I skip around in my gladiator shoes on cobble stones, I will fall into time-space continuum gap and will end up in times of Great Moravian Empire and being the city girl I am, I will be trampled to the ground very quickly.

That my University will find out I pretended to be more intelligent than I am and that I in fact never belonged there among those smart and beautiful people (beautiful is another thing I pretend to be).

That I will lose my psychic abilities. That one day I will walk in street that has been a battlefield and feel nothing, absolutelly nothing. That I will stop seeing auras and stop feeling my chakras opening. And that I will start believing that none of things I saw and felt were real.

That things will go crap here in buffer zone and I will have to make hard decisions, like if to fight for my country, possibly fight against my neighbors..., or pay somebody to smuggle me out in cargo in a box with Crystalex glass beads. And that I will make the wrong decision and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

That WWIII will happen and will watch places of history destroyed on livestream... before one ICBM hits my town and that it will feel merciful and almost peaceful, because there will be nothing left to live for...

That we will not go out with a bang.... but that we will wither slowly and painfully... but we'll still watch that slow death on livestream and most of us will not realize it is happening and will go on working their lives away so they can buy a new iPad.

That I will wake up one day insane totally and beyond repair... and that there will be no way back. Or that I will wake up as giant cockroach.

That one day I will wake up and be totally sane, decide to marry, get 9 to 5 office job (some position titled in English and will look down at those who actually create some real value, but work on positions titled in Czech). That I will decide to buy a weekend house and old car. That I will decide all politics is about being right or left and chose to vote for one of the two major parties. That I will shop for sales in Albert and watch reality shows in the evenings and read tabloids and start to believe that the TV show that informs us about which celeb got a plastic surgery and who is dating whom is actual news.

That I will regret my decision that I don't do the "love thing" and die all alone in some crappy apartment in Rome, in immigrant neighborhood, surrounded by cats adopted from Torra Argentina cat sanctuary, which I adopted because I felt lonely. And that my Libyan and Bengali and Ethiopian neighbors will think I was "nice, but bit weird".

That I will fall in love and my partner will try to "help me" or "fix me", forcing me to be normal and happy and proper... and I will wonder why did they fall in love with me in the first place. And that in the process of being fixed, I will lose the real me and I will not know what I want to do and be anymore.

That something terrible will happen to those who I love and care for... and that they will haunt me in my dreams, in my lonely nights and I will see them in dark corners and I will dwell on their presence, even in this unnatural state of being.