I am a 40 year old man who is just awakening to the fact that I have alcoholism and abuse of chemical in general. I am posting this as a way to connect with others and to tell my story, since I don't want to fall back into denial - and to see what people think would help at this point. I have beening drinking since age 12 - a little wine at a wedding, tastes of homemade wine. Throughout high school , i was an excellent student, but a partier, trying pot for a while, drinking regularly at parties held when parents were away..and doing some impulsive things while drinking like cheating on a girlfriend. In 1999, I had a suicide attempt (due to depression) , drinking a beer during the overdose. During college my drinking increased, lots of frat parties, it seemed like most social event involved alcohol. After college, my drinking increased again, partying after work into the late hours, socializing mostly with alcohol...and starting to drive under the influence. Once in 1995, I bought a six-pack to drink in the car when I went to drop of belongings at my recent ex-girlfriends house...all after a night of drinking. During times of celebration and hard emotions - I drank. This has progressed to several close calls with possible DWIs. Several years ago, I occasionally drank Baileys in my coffee while driving to work...then sometimes left work (with an alcoholic friend) to drink and golf. Most problems I have had in life somehow involved alcohol - a failed marriege where every fight involved alcohol on both of our parts...driving drunk. Last Fall...I started drinking wine in the morning at at lunch...driking while driving..and noticing I was using alcohol to cope. Risky, dangerous behavior. I began to enjoy alcohol more than other things in life. In February , I again attempted suicide (impulsively), overdosing on my fiance's pills after drinking two bottles of wine. I woke up the next morning, nearly comatose, attempted to drive to work, but not before making a container of sangria to drink on the way home from work. I made it one mile before I drove my car into a forest. I was hospitalized for a week and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Following that, I defended I was a social drinker who just loved wine....yet I was sneaking drinks, throwing out the bottles so my fiance would not find them...excitedly drinking heavily while she was out of town. Over the last 3 weeks....I noticed I have again been binge drinking, sneaking drinks, lying, and drinking during lunch and occasionally while driving.

I realized this week that I definitely have a problem and started AA meetings. My friend thinks I should go full steam ahead - meeting, sponsorship, alcohol treatment, full disclosure. I am afraid I will lose my relationship if I disclose all of the details to her right now..but want to be abstinent and go to meetings. Is this enough? I do have a hard time with AA do to the spiruality...I'm just not sure about God. We have no Smart Recovery groups in my area. And...I hesitate to start outpatient treatment...do to my job, raising her kids, other appointments...and the fact that I will have to come clean with her about why I need treatment. Is AA enough? I am on the fence about what is needed...though I know I cannot drink...and want a life in which I feel good about myself, my choices, and feel like a real adult.

Please share your thoughts...Thank you so much..