Sounds like you need a little different focus and hope to get out of concentrating on getting "away" from bad feelings.

I would figure out a "project" to help your self esteem (guys looking/not looking at you in stores, thinking they don't like your face, etc. is not about whether you will be loved or not). I think you have decided you have certain insurmountable problems and are a certain way and need to change your point of view about yourself, your decisions of who you are!

If I were currently in your shoes, I'd work on getting to the local library and finding some young adult fiction about teens with my problems; I don't think you're a teen, but that's what I read in my 20's and 30's until I could get a good therapist to work with and the reading and identifying I did with the characters in the books (and seeing how and that, they solved their problems) helped me grow in the meantime.