[quote=Perna;2018297]

Thank you so much Perna, for your thoughts & sound advice. I completely understand & resonate with what you mean about 'staying engaged to stay engaged' & being 'honest'. I know that's what I find difficult because I think I'm being best if I am patient with the other person & put my own feelings second. But really those feelings of irritation don't go away & in the end I end up feeling internally quite aggressive & sullen & go off on my own to deal with these feelings until they subside. Perhaps I am afraid of confrontation too? Or perhaps I just am not able to handle expressing seemingly 'negative' or feelings/thoughts that oppose the other's? (hmm...might be onto something here). But I get the idea that humour could be a way around this, a way to express how I feel while at the same time acknowledgeing the other person's feelings... like a way to laugh at our differences (without judgement!). (hmm... perhaps I'm afraid of her reaction). I also appreciate your suggestion that when I feel myself withdrawing, to decide that it's the best time to connect. May give that a try next time... could be a way to bypass the instinct?

I like that your parents had their own little signal. I guess that could work too.. she could let me know when she is not hearing me well instead of pretending and I could let her know when i have something important I want to say.

With regard to helping others, yes that's true. As I say in my reply to Lee I do feel ashamed/selfish for feeling this way and for being this way.. that's why I want to do something about it. I know there is a sense of selfishness to it because the feeling is all-consuming & ego centric. Today however (remembering advice from my 1st post), in the company of a cousin I met for the first time I noticed myself starting to feel anxious & insecure. I took a deep breath & made myself direct my thoughts to her & how she is, and it helped. I can try this with mum. It must be frustrating for her I'm sure & I know she only wants the best for me, even if we don't have much in common. She's the kind of person that if you're thirsty she would stick a straw in her neck for you to drink from! And she has had a very hard life, I know that. She has done incredibly well to survive and be where she is today, and for my sister & I to be where we are today too because of her.

Thank you -- all good food for thought.