TRIGGER WARNING: thoughts of self-harm

I have been on edge since I got home from work this evening. It's a weekend which may account for some of it - I always get anxious about weekends, school holidays, any period of time where I don't have the routine of work. My head has been full enough to make me really want to cut (I haven't, but only on the basis that the weather is nowhere near cold enough to get away with wearing long sleeves). I feel like it's the only thing that would calm me down. Sometimes when I start to get agitated I can distract myself by watching TV, or try to calm down by checking out meditation/relaxation videos on Youtube. If I'm too wound-up I can't even consider turning on the TV, and tonight I feel like I don't have the focus to search out and find a video, much less pay attention to it.

I went out for a walk earlier, I thought getting something to eat might help. I felt loads better while I was out, had a long walk along the seafront and didn't need a coat or anything. Guessing the fresh air did me good. Then as soon as I got back to the flat I realised I was boiling hot, and the sensation worsened as I walked up the stairs. Got in and had to take all my clothes off, but am still boiling, and feel really shaky. I was feeling sick a few minutes ago but that seems to have passed.

I hate this, I really hate it. I feel like I don't have an escape from whatever's in my head (often I describe it as 'racing thoughts', but I can't even pinpoint any thoughts at the moment, it just feels full) and can't think of anything to distract me. I *really* want to cut and I know that I can't, which is making me feel even worse. Just noticed a headache, too. I feel like these different 'symptoms' are racing through me - one minute something's there, the next it's gone, the next a different thing pops up, and so on.

Wish I could calm down. Or at least focus my energy on *something*.