Huge Hugs to you. I know the pain you feel. It probably sounds so trite and so common - but keep trying to find the light to guide you out of where you are now. Grasp on to any little thing that gives you even just a smidgeon of pleasure or happiness. It might be watching a bird, the sun come up, a scent in the air that reminds you of a place you like... Just don't give up. It took me many months to finally get out of my last black hole, but it can happen.