soooo I went to out for a while last night. However, I was back too early to keep me outta the trouble zone. He stood me up - as expected without call.

So went online, listened to music and played a game with some other friends that happened to be over. It served as a sufficient, mild distraction. And at least I didn't cry all night.

It's an interesting question about have I ever asked myself why this man lights me up... I actually have many times (hard not to since he's so emotionally abusive) and I DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN CLUE now. Somehow I feel he is just misunderstood and needs extra patience and understanding, but then he'll just s hit all over me repeatedly and purposely so what is the point - to see how much I can take idk.

There was a post where StrongerMan something about narcisists (can't remember exactly sorry I wish I could cuz it made me feel better - so I'll sum it) - that the ppl who love a narcisist beat themselves up and think they are weak or stupid for allowing themselves to be treated so badly but really they are kind ppl that if anything can just be accused of loving too much, loving logically, patiently, understandingly. He said it WAY better and really drove the point home. AH it was a post started by ArianLotus I think.

Over & over again ppl keep saying - You love the idea of the what the relationship "could be" not what it really is. I wish that point would set in and really take root. Right now I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever I say bounces off me and sticks to you.