I'm so fricking depressed I can't stand it, and I don't know what to do about it, or what to tell my pdoc when I see him Wed., besides the fact that the upped Effexor hasn't done a frickin' thing.

I'm just so tired, you guys. I'm tired of dealing with bureaucrats standing in my way of getting the benefits I not only need, but have earned -- time for me to get some of my tax dollars back. I'm tired of the huge toll it takes on me to handle all this stuff, when I need to be concentrating on regaining my physical and mental health. I'm tired of having one good, energetic, at least mood-neutral day, only to have two days of horribleness following it. I'm tired of spending every day obsessing about money, and whether I can afford $1 for a soda or should save it for laundry money. I'm nearly agoraphobic at this point -- I don't go out unless I absolutely have to.

I'm tired of being tired all the time. 2 of the last 3 days, I didn't even get dressed, or take a shower, for that matter. There's nobody here to care. I'm cleared to work part-time, and I've been doing a little freelancing for my former employer, but I'm trying to find a regular part-time job with a regular income, and everywhere I apply, they look at my master's degree and my career experience and say, "and you're applying here because?" and I don't know what to say. If I tell them that I'm recovering from an illness that almost killed me and I'm not allowed to work fulltime yet, who's going to want me? -- they think I'll just call in sick all the time. If I'm evasive about it, they wonder what I'm hiding.

I'm just tired of struggling alone. I want somebody to come take care of me. I called the Aplastic Anemia Foundation, and there are only 2 other people in Wis. who volunteered to talk about their experiences with the disease, and neither of them is anywhere near Milwaukee. I really need somebody I can talk to regularly, and see, and go out with for coffee and stuff. My T is moving out of state in a month, and I thought I would just bag therapy, but right now I'm ready to go admit myself to the psych hospital my pdoc works out of, so that's probably not a hot idea. So now I have to add the worry of having to start all over again -- and build trust again -- with someone new.

I'm tired, and I'm throwing myself a big fat huge pity party. Anybody wanna come?



Candy