Thank you for your post. He did not treat me this way in the beginning. In fact he was awesome. Our feelings were mutual & genuine for each other- hence the fireworks. He is now not in a position where he can or is willing to do anything about them and fights them within himself I suppose, but he slips a lot calls, visits, generally plays on a pretty regular basis.

As the years have gone by, his truer nature has been revealed in his moody, irradic, disrepectful, cruel, behavior which he will then blame me for, pretend it never happened, or try "being nice" again, and I so love the nice I forgive the mean - instantly. And yes, stood me up more times than I can even count now. It's like I have some endless tolerance for pain. Idk what makes me accept such ****** treament. Fortunately reaching out like this is starting to make me see more clearly, and allowing me to access my anger instead of swallowing it and choking to death.

I am dong more research on N to help sort out wth is going on. Going down the N check lists he gets about an 85% (maybe more) so far from what I've read. I cannot be sure if he is a N or not. The last T I had said he was unstable. My logical mind trying to be strong and tell my emotional side to shut the hell up, be strong, and MOVE ON. I keep blaming myself ... for what ??? Not being perfect, not running off with him when he suggested it 7 years ago (though I didn't say no - I just had to square up with the House so to say)...

You're so right - it's not good that I should feel so bad about doing other activities or being with family / friends. The be strong cliche is getting old but maybe I'll luck out and the damn thing will finally SINK in! Just like the "could be" statement ppl tell me it's what I dream it could be that keeps me waiting. As it is now I spend most of my time alone - he rarely spends more than an hour with me a few times a months.

Thank you for your support it means a lot & it does help. I'm glad that you got out - it scared me when you said it took 3 years to heal! How are you doing now?