"It's like I have some endless tolerance for pain. Idk what makes me accept such ****** treament."
A perceptive counselor once told me, "Your background makes you predisposed to having a high tolerance for pain." Without knowing about yours, I can say I related totally with the statement you made about that. I do realize now why I was willing to accept bad treatment in relationships, because I had no good, loving role models growing up, and also I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I grew up in an unhappy home where nothing was ever about joy or happiness, nor was there ever any affection toward me. Neither did I ever witness loving interaction between my parents, and as a very young child witnessed lots of fights, including physical. The fighting disappated as I grew toward adolescence, replaced by indifference and mute tolerance between my parents. When I began having relationships with the opposite sex, from teen age onward, I had idealized fantasies about romantic love, but my mindset would interject conflict, even abusive behavior, either on my part, or, to a larger degree, accepting abuse from the male partner. I was most drawn to those who would treat me badly to a traumatic degree.
Realizing this at my late stage in life, I do have some peace, though I am happy alone, and have no desire to reach out to find a partner. Had I realized this earlier, I might have been able to alter my behavior and attraction to the abuse.
You have been in this relationship for a long time...7 years you say. That's a long time to put up with emotional abuse, which is exactly what you've described. The same counselor who pinpointed my predisposition to tolerating pain, called the way I became obsessed with abusive partners an "addiction." Not saying this is the case for you, PBJ, but have you ever thought you might be addicted to the relationship? He stated rightly, I believe, that it can be as addictive as any drug, maybe even moreso.
You asked how I'm doing now, having stated to you how it took me 3 years to recover from a relationship with a narcissist. I am so fine, so content, so well. The key, I believe, is to break the addictive behavior.
First, I had to admit that looking for another man was not going to help me. I no longer desire such a relationship, but, for you, if you still have hopes of such, I believe you will have to seriously extricate yourself from the present relationship, and then do some self-work. This is hard work and though I am not one to recommend therapy, if you find an insightful and compassionate counselor, you may be helped that way. I did so very much reading, journaling, and self-monitoring as I went thru a very real "withdrawal."
I apologize if this all sounds too presumptuous on my part. Just concerned for you and trying to offer insight.