Seeker1950... you beautiful soul. I am sorry for your lifelong pain. There are tears in my eyes as I read your post. I wish I could hug you. You have gained much wisdom and it sounds, freedom, in your healing. I hope you have more love and kindness in your life each and every day.

At their very core my parents are good ppl. They both had very very hard lives and seldom complained. We were extremely poor but it didn't seem to matter. They did, however, fight so viciously with each other that we lived in rarely happy home. Fights were physically violent & verbally attrocious. I watched my strong father beat my tiny mother and listened to my mother swear constantly at my father. Mother's favorite saying to us was, "You little ****ers! I wish you were never born!" A switch was regularly taken to us but that was just how they handled us.

Yet with all of that they always hugged and kissed us goodnight, told us they loved us, never let us out of their sight, ate dinner together every night, and watched the Waltons together.

Even just telling you that, I feel nothing. No pain. Nothing more than acceptance for how it was, forgiveness and pity for them. Pity because to live with such misery and pain that it caused them to hate each other vehemently - they lost themselves and they lost an opportunity (a gift in this life) to really love and nuture each other & their children and be whole and happy. We rejoiced when they divorced.

I do not know what negative impact my background has had on me, the way I choose a mate/form attachments, or if it predisposed me to have a high tolerance for emotional pain. I take responsibility for my life decisions and do not feel the relationship with my parents plays any significant part is how I make those decisions - I could be wrong and cannot make a connection. My ex-H was literally a saint. This other guy is the polar opposite of my ex. So I don't know what to make of it and feel lost.

I recently asked in a PC forum if it is possible to become addicted to a person. I have just ordered a book by Howard Halpern, How to Break Your Addiction to a Person and anxiously await its arrival. I began to wonder if it was an addiction when I realized this "relationship" controls every aspect of my life even I don't want it to.

7 years of my prime down the toilet... ouch. So, I'm here learning from all of you. Grateful for your love and understanding, insight and wisdom. Reaching out for a hand to hold when my light inside starts going dark...thank you.

Today it has been 3 days since I talked to him. The extrication process has begun. I will not call, text, write, or send smoke signals to this toxic man. Each day will be another day closer to my freedom and the love I deserve. Wish me luck.

Never apologize when you are beng forthright and sincere. Your insight is invaluable to me.