Dottie -

I just cannot belive how much more we have in common... My dad, a 'veteran' alcoholic, has done SO much to continue causing me pain & grief; that is, until I finally said enough was enough...

As an FYI, my mother is addicted to downers - anything from Xanax, Valium, Ativan - whatever is out there on the given day/week...

So i have two parents that I used to deal with - and I just had to finally turn my head the other way....

Now bcuz I am bi-polar, and also due to a recent manic episode, I haphazardly smoked a joint. Ridiculous excuse, I know, but I somehow knew I needed to calm down... Thinking that would be the best way, given my meds weren't working, I ended up causing myself more grief bcuz I was screened today at the doctor. I know it will still be in my system, I know i will get a positive, and I know that I'm going to have to wreap what I have sowed...

I can't just blame my disorder on this - i know there is more to it and it thinking i could 'use' these things to cope and/or get relief was completely stupid on my part.

Now to both "D'S" (Dot & Des): The difference here, at least in my opinion, is that by my own ability to admit or acknowledge that I tend to turn to a joint - in hopes of ridding my mind of all these issues - and only end up taking 20 steps back... It is like a double-edge sword bcuz by doing this whenever I end up in a manic episode, I 'screw' myself. I am not following my treatment plan, I don't know why I end up weak enough to do it, but I still know it is my fault, my problem, and that by hiding it will get me nowhere.

I do pray and hpe that you can see this from a different perspective - one that shows the difference between your mom/brother and myself. If they are unable to even get to the point of saying "OK, I think I may have an issue", then you are literally going to drive yourself crazy... I have dealt with this in my entire family for my entire 28 years of existance; anything from piddly pot to the 'hard stuff'... MANY have died due to OD"s, many have or are in jail... Again, this is the choice THEY have made - and one you cannot change until/unless they are ready..

I hope i made a bit of sense to both/either of ya... If I didn't, just ask and I"ll try to clarify... I have so much on my mind and I'm racing away like it is going out of style again... So I again apologize for the jumping around in my post... HUGS to both of you
~Niko