Thank you Rose for all your input on this

I thought more over the weekend on what you mentioned about the therapist thinks I am stable enough for not being in therapy but not stable enough to get into past issues. then also coupled with the medications part of what you mentioned

I had this feeling the other day and it is even more so now, that if I am not meds then I must not be worth the helping, which then goes back to my original thing with meds of it is just a control option for society- I know that must sound out there to some, but I really don't see why not try to do talk therapy and practices prior to meds. That was my plan, and if over a span of time (not 2-4 weeks) I would consider medication.

I have debated with myself on canceling this appt with the therapist which is in about 2 weeks, session 3... But on the other hand I want to tell her part of what is on my mind of I would like help with something, but I guess not right now due to I dont want to cave into medications.

Part of me feels bashed on all of this- It took so much FOR ME to go in and I get told this, and another part of me is like **** it. sorry but a part does..Then There is a part of me that thinks- I was right to think in June to go get some weed- maybe I would be fine now right? Perhaps I just needed a little mental break and maybe I would not have went through depression in July and the hell of myself being pushed down by me in August and now September is here and I feel so much. But then again who knows maybe I would have felt worse.

I know weed is not an answer but at the same time if your going to put me on meds for the rest of my life why not go the option of a once in a while mental break?

If I did consider continuing therapy I dont think I could do it with this therapist mainly due to at times I have gotten mad at this whole situation and all, and mad at her for basically sluggishing me off with no real reason besides she is busy.
I Understand she is busy- All i wanted out of therapy was some more coping methods that maybe I was not aware of... and that is too much to ask cuz I dont want to pop pills-

Any ways- Rose; Thank you so much, you have put some light into this, I am sorry for babbling.

I wish I could fork out the money for some private therapy that would take some seriously.

When I started on this journey with even consider therapy I said to myself 1) I want to get help before I explode or implode on myself or others. 2) I did not want to lose my job due to some things.

I personally don't see how just give her a pill and it'll be ok really is ok to do...Talk Therapy would still be needed even with medication.......

I feel like a waste of time... or that I am seen that way. These last two weeks I have basically really dropped off on doing my mood tracking and journal (I am still doing it but not to the extent that I was or as detailed basically just w/e) cuz it's like why try.

My boyfriend told me that I should keep trying therapy and talk to the Psychologist and see what they say with the evaluation. I have a funny feeling- Medications.... I dont know.

I feel lost in a way but it will be ok

And As I mentioned before- Perhaps it is just a "Get over it" thing in the end with past issues. Though when I am depressed it is harder to "Just Get Over It" it comes back to things of now days of not trying my best cuz I am worthless, and why try due to I will fail and I am not worth it.

I know in the end everyone is worth something. But it is hard at times.

But thanks again, and unfortunately I cannot write down everything I want today-or really re-read what I put, but I hope I dont come across badly any where.