This is similar to my experience, that somehow journaling on the computer allows me to access something more than just my conscious mind. I often have that swirling with thoughts and emotions thing going on as a sit down at the computer, and journaling just helps to settle me down. I have not, although I think it's amazing that you can do that, gone back to the journal to organize, fill in, better express yourself. That's incredible and shows a wonderful ability to sit with what you've written and work with it. I'm not there yet.

I started journaling early in my therapy the first time, almost 20 years ago. I think I started spontaneously because I needed to do something in between therapy sessions or I felt like I was going to implode. I triggered the bejeezus out of myself back then, tipping myself into desperate states. But it helped me develop healthier coping strategies and as the old saying goes, what does not kill you makes you stronger. I would give my journal to my T but he never said anything about anything I'd written. By the time I was done with that round of therapy, I think I had around 800 pages of single spaced "material." I shredded it several years ago as much of it was too raw and weepy to reflect either my actual experience or where I am right now in my life. I'm not sorry about that.

Now in round 3 of therapy, my T did suggest journaling early on, I think because I mentioned that it had helped me way back when. I had a lot of anxiety when I first shared it with him, probably around trust issues and because I thought my words might literally kill him, or poison him. I bring it in every 2 weeks or so and it's never terribly long -- maybe 10 or so single spaced pages. He sometimes mentions what I've written or he gives me a sense of where he thinks I've changed (or stayed the same) by referring to my journal. For me, I feel like it's a way to be more open and intimate with him than I can be in 1 hour talking, even if I am using all of that time efficiently. Once he has said, I think it would be useful to look at this issue you wrote about in your journal, when you're ready.

I guess my major reaction to you, tigergirl, is that journaling is work, it's not for everybody, and to be able to do it, you do have to find it bearable to be able to sit with feelings and/or memories and/or thoughts by yourself. I am in a way different place when I began journaling 20 years ago. Now I can be raw without being triggered, but I can also create some distance between the rawness and what I'm trying to understand. Sometimes I can write about it with humor and/or humility. Sometimes I can even write about it with empathy for myself. And then there are times when everything spins out of control, but I've learned that I can handle it and rein myself in. All of it has been positive for me and journaling has really helped me grow in all kinds of ways.

There are times when I sit down to journal and I definitely want to write about something. Yesterday I wanted to write about a dream I had and I just needed to capture it in my journal before it slipped through the yawning cracks in my mind. Sometimes I sit there and create a space of mindfulness, and allow something to emerge. I notice that when I journal from this space, not only is the "thing" more bearable, but what comes out of it is usually important stuff that I hadn't been aware of before. Othertimes, I just have fun with it, like recounting an interlude from a session with a kind of poking at my T and/or myself in ways that make me laugh. As a vehicle for expression, what I like about journaling is that I can approach it in any way that I want, I can write for as little or as much as I want, there are no rules, and I can usually silence my internal critic from hell long enough to say what I want or need to say.

Good gawd, I do go on and on. You can see how journaling would work for me . . .

Anne